If Paul Rudd Was Your Youth Pastor
You might consider going back to church
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor, he would run around the church parking lot passing out free cookies to all the cars stuck waiting in line.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor, he would blast C’mon Get Happy from the Rec room speakers at the start of every service. Then he do a few slight-of-hand magic tricks, and say “But we’ve got something better than magic, don’t we?”
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor he would pepper his sermons with quotes from Judd Apatow movies. And he’d show clips from them too, until some of the parents started to complain.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor, he would dance every time someone gave their life to Christ. And all his dance moves would be very “dad” but with unmistakable undertones of classical training.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your FatherGod praying youth pastor — you would believe everything the Bible had to say. Either because it was true, or because Rudd had enunciated it so forcefully.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your skinny jeans and flannel wearing youth pastor — his Jewish ancestry would give him an extra layer of authenticity. And he would keep a Shofar horn on the desk in his office so that no one could ever forget about it.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your “when I count to three, the band is gonna start playing” youth pastor —he would always sing along to Taylor Swift’s Cruel Summer. And he wouldn’t do it ironically either; a little tear would form in the corner of his eye every time she got to the “Devils roll the dice” part.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your “nothing could ever fill that hole in my heart” youth pastor — you would hear stories about what a terrible camp counselor he used to be. And you’d ask him about it, but he would just grin and say “Good thing we weren’t uploading our entire lives to the internet back then.”
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your “it’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” youth pastor — he wouldn’t be on social media at all — but no one would consider it to be a red flag because of how nice he was.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your dopey dog of a spiritual leader — he would ALWAYS switch out the mission trip promo video for a clip from some dumb B movie. And the youths would never grow tired of it. And none of the parents would get it.
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your on-fire-for-God golden retriever — he would end every alter call by saying “Hey. Look at us.”
If Paul Rudd was your youth pastor — your soon-to-be disenchanted and disenfranchised moral authority figure — he would eventually leave the church to start his own skincare MLM. And people would buy the products too. Even after a chem analysis confirmed that they were just sugar water, people would buy them. Then Paul Rudd would appear on various late night shows to reveal that it had all been a huge prank and talk about how silly this whole celebrity thing was. And Bill Hader would be there too for some reason? And the talk show host would ask Paul Rudd point blank if he believed in Jesus. And Paul Rudd would say “Well, the thing is, when people ask that question, what they’re really asking is ‘do you believe in the things other people say about Jesus?’ And that’s a hard question to answer. But here’s what I know about Jesus. He existed. And if I could go back in time, I’d sure like to meet him. Then I would say ‘Hey Jesus. What’s the deal?’” And even though he didn’t really answer the question, everyone in the audience would clap because of HOW DAMN RELATABLE HE WAS. And thousands of at-home viewers would decide to “get saved”. And when The Paul Rudd Revival became a news story of its own, all the new believers would have the same answer about their decision to convert: “I mean think about it,” they would say. “For something like Paul Rudd to exist in our universe… how can there not be a God?”
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Amy Greenlee is the Editor of Pause Button and Gospel of Jest. You can find her on Medium and Twitter.
