Things You Would And Wouldn’t Do Upon Getting Out Of The You’ve Got Mail Elevator
YOU WOULD: Find a better purse for storing your Tic Tacs
YOU WOULD: Get your eyes lasered. Getting stuck in an elevator would give you just enough time to remember you never got around to scheduling that LASIK appointment.
YOU WOULDN’T: Start talking to your mom again. If there is a reason you aren’t on speaking terms with your own mother, that reason isn’t likely to have changed in the amount of time it takes to unstick an elevator.
YOU WOULD: Find a better purse for storing your Tic Tacs. And you would make sure it had a little pocket for your ChapStick too.
YOU WOULDN’T: Marry Oreet. Because you *do* know what’s been stopping you. And you also know that being mildly inconvenienced for part of the afternoon isn’t a good enough reason to jump into marriage.
YOU WOULD: Finally get around to watching the Godfather. Maybe at the next office party, you’ll be the one making all the references, and it’ll be Vince who’s just standing there looking like an idiot. Plus, you’re exhausted from the whole elevator thing, so a movie sounds nice.
YOU WOULDN’T: Finally get around to reading that think piece on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. You got stuck in an elevator, you didn’t become a different person.
YOU WOULD: Purchase the Shoe Books. Back in the elevator, you found yourself with a lot of time to stare at people’s shoes and get nostalgic.
YOU WOULDN’T: Purchase them at your local, neighborhood bookstore. If you go in there, they probably won’t have them. Then you’ll end up buying some book you don’t really want because you feel too guilty to walk out empty handed. And you’ll try to say something encouraging to the owner on your way out. But, secretly, you’ll know that there’s no such thing as a “book district”.
YOU WOULD: Meet up with someone you just met online. You literally do this every day. It’s called selling stuff on Marketplace.
YOU WOULDN’T: Tell them to meet you at a café and to look for a person with a single red rose tucked into a book. You just give them your home address like you always do. Then you don’t have to change out of your sweatpants or try to find a place that sells single red roses.
YOU WOULD: Catch up on some emails. You were planning to finally get around to them today, but then the thing with the elevator happened.
YOU WOULDN’T: Hear your heart beat with excitement while opening your inbox. Obviously you’ve got mail. You always have mail. And your overflowing inbox is a constant burden of account management and data storage from which you will never be free.
AND YOU ESPECIALLY WOULDN’T: Deceptively email a woman you intentionally put out of business, slowly finding out little bits of information about her, and then using that information to make her fall in love with you. Because, honestly, that’s kind of creepy. And — deep down — you know that only Tom Hanks could be forgiven for doing such a thing.
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Amy Greenlee is the Editor of Pause Button and Gospel of Jest. You can find her on Medium and Twitter.
