From Microsoft to meditation – Why I became a mindfulness teacher | Part 3
Letting go
Finally, the true depth of my suffering started to become clear to me: deep anxiety underlay every moment of my life. And before I could begin to heal others, I needed to learn to let go of it.
I had stored emotional trauma from early childhood and bullying in middle school, from leaving my religious community and stress that was passed down over generations. My body and heart were overwhelmed by these difficult emotions, and pushed them deep inside where they stayed contracting my being until I was ready to receive them. All those nights I couldn’t sleep, I thought that my mind was the problem, that I just didn’t know how to turn it off. In truth, my whole body had long forgotten how to relax, and the constant stream of thoughts were its way of distracting me from deep unfelt pain.
I found a room in a quiet house on an island near Seattle, with a mossy rainforest on one side and a protected harbor on the other. I put the mission and my social life on hold and instead meditated for hours a day, bathing in the healing environments of the forest and sea. A physical therapist I went to see for a sprained ankle turned out to be a budding energy healer who showed me where the tension was rooted deep into my solar plexus, and how that misaligned every part of my body.
Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, I sensed into my body, heart, and mind with as much kindness as I could muster. As I opened to the fear, I lay a hand gently on my chest and mouthed “It’s OK, It’s OK.” As the stored pain coursed through, I invited my body to forgive itself for holding on so long. “I’m sorry, I love you.”
I listened to hundreds of hours of Tara’s talks and meditations, learning to say “Yes” to whatever is true in each moment and open up to the loving presence that is our essence, to the big blue ocean before me and the infinity of distant stars beyond. When I could relax and stay open, the energy inside released in heat, shaking, burps, or other forms I could only laugh at. Other times, I cried without knowing why.
In November, I joined Yorie in Tokyo to begin our life together. Thanks to over a thousand hours of meditation and the feeling of belonging she gave me, I had finally let go of enough tension to fall asleep naturally. In the weeks since, I’ve found myself living more mindfully – experiencing, allowing, and appreciating more of the full richness of each moment, more present and open to myself and those around me. I still often find my attention narrowed and body contracted, but I’m catching myself far quicker and recovering to a vastly more relaxed baseline, and am softening deeper parts of my core every day. I can even sit on the ground a little now.
I’ve shared this process well enough with Yorie that she’s been able to start releasing with it too, complementing the physical release techniques that she has practiced and taught for years in the theater (to which I owe my dramatically improved karaoke efforts). And to do our part to share these practices with fellow seekers of less suffering and more connection, we’re launching a new project called Komorebi – Peace, Ease, Release. Komorebi 木漏れ日 is the interplay of light and shadow as the sun shines through a tree’s leaves, and represents our union: Nico 日光 means sunlight, Kage 影 is shadow, and Akiba 秋葉 means Autumn Leaves.
In addition to weekly gatherings in Tokyo and retreats around Japan, Komorebi will continue sharing online in this blog and via our upcoming podcast; feel free to subscribe here or keep track via https://www.facebook.com/komorebipeace
Before leaving Seattle I also finally incorporated Mindful Meetups, the non-profit I dreamed up when I began this journey. Five fellow mindfulness teachers have joined me on the board, and we welcome any feedback from others interested in forming small local mindfulness communities – more info at www.mindfulmeetups.org
I am so grateful to all of the friends, family, benefactors, and teachers who have lifted me to this point – I couldn’t have made it without you.
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will have complete peace. – Ajahn Chah
May we all find peace and freedom from suffering.
Love,
Nico
Check back next week to read about our New Year’s retreat at Thai Plum Village, and what we’ve learned from that community and its teacher Thich Nhat Hahn.
If you also feel tension in your body or notice that your mind is running away in thoughts to escape feelings inside, we would love for you to learn from our experience in releasing. You are welcome to join our upcoming Mindfully Connecting 1 day retreat on Feb 28 in Ise, which will also be recorded and stream live online (on Feb 27 in the US). More details and signup info here – https://www.facebook.com/events/57173733993594
To practice sensing inside and letting be, feel free to listen to my body scan recordings (12, 26, or 39 minutes for your convenience):
