Back To Nature -Kate
Growing up I was what my eldest brother affectionately referred to as a “dirt kid.” Obsessed with the outdoors my parents had a hell of a time getting me to come inside for baths or meals. I would spend hours exploring the woods behind my house. Discovering natural forts with my brother or finding a nice tree stump to sit on and read in solitude. I learned how to be still enough that the woodland creatures weren’t scared by my presence. When I did return to the inside, I often had leaves and burs in my hair and dirt on my face.
Then as I got older and my mental health issues took hold my relationship with the outdoors changed. My anxiety convinced me it was dangerous and scary. That I was only safe in my room with the door locked. My depression convinced me that the outside was to bright and happy. I couldn’t handle anything besides the darkness of my bedroom. As I received therapy, my anxiety and depression symptoms lessoned but it was and is still difficult for me to feel safe outside of my home. I could do the basics, too and from class/ work or quick errands but any extended trips outside sent me into a panic. That was until I moved to Oregon.
Perhaps the newness of living in the PNW is causing me to want to explore more. Or maybe its because unlike Chicago, nothing bad has happened to me here yet. Either way, I’ve been loving my reconnection with nature. I’ve explored waterfalls, mountains, and valleys. We’re still planning a trip out to the coast. With each positive experience in the great outdoors I rediscover a part of myself I didn’t know was missing. My curiosity and adventurous spirit. I had convinced myself that my adventurous ways were just a thing of childhood whimsy. That I was actually a cautious person at my core. I’m coming to realize that I am actually an explorer who happens to have pretty severe chronic anxiety. I’m learning to accept that duality. That I can both be brave and cautious. That I can love the outdoors and still feel safest in my home. I don’t have to fit myself into a box in order to be healthy or happy. I can just be me.
