My Shocking Revelation!… People Aren’t Mind Readers.
How To Communicate Effectively
I grew up in a culture of silent suffering. People were meant to be stoic and not have emotional outbursts. I internalized a lot of those ideals to the point that I forgot how to communicate what I was feeling. Especially if those feelings were negative or intense in any way. I didn’t even know that I wasn’t outwardly expressing my emotions. I thought people could see how I was feeling and that they were just ignoring me. This mindset caused a lot of conflict in my relationships, both romantic and platonic. I walked around thinking that no one actually cared about me. That I was such a good friend or girlfriend who was always there for her friends but none of them were ever there for me. None of that sentence was true.
This issue became the most prevalent when I was going through difficult times with my mental health. I went through years and years of white knuckling it alone before I finally got the help I needed. It took me being able to open up to someone close to me about what I had been going through in order to seek therapy. It wasn’t an easy conversation but it was the first of many that lead me to where I am today. Alive.
Once I learned how to actually express in a healthy manner I felt so much better. I was able to foster healthier relationships with my loved ones and new people. I learned how to set healthy boundaries. To have difficult conversations that were actually productive. I was finally able to stand up for myself. I also became less passive aggressive and less angry with my friends, family, and partner. I learned that they couldn’t give me what I needed from them until I told them what I needed. I was also finally able to get the help that I needed. If I hadn’t told my partner and my parents how bad I was feeling I probably would have never gone to therapy or mental health treatment.
Now, when I talk to my loved ones about difficult topics I follow a formula that I naturally created for myself.
First ingredient: I statements. Saying things like “ I feel__ when you” or “ I’ve been __” instead of “You make me feel _”. Opens up the lines for a productive and healthy conversation that both myself and my conversation partner can feel heard. The other way just makes people feel interrogated and therefore defensive.
Second: Communicating my needs. “ I need someone to just listen.” This lets my conversation partner know that I’m not currently looking for advice, I just need someone to hear what I’m saying and validate my feelings. Sometimes I do want advice so “ I want to hear your opinion/ thoughts/ advice on this” There’s also other needs that I may need to communicate such as “ I need your help on Tuesday” “ I might need help with groceries this month” “ I think I need to go back to therapy” “ I want to go back to college and I need your help doing that” etc.. etc.. Communicating what I need from my conversation partner in clear cut terms gives them the opportunity to decide if that’s something they’re able to give me. And then they can tell me what they can do for me and I’m not expecting way more or way less from them. We each know where each other stands.
There may also be times where you don’t know what you’re feeling or what you’re needing. “ I don’t know what this feeling is or what I need from you but I’m not doing well right now.” This will help your loved ones to at least not be blindsided if you seek treatment or something else related to your mental health. Communicating the entire way through helps you to feel supported and also helps them to know what’s going on.
I’ve mostly been talking about communication and disclosure in terms of mental health disorders. However, communication is needed in every single relationship in every single circumstance. Even something as simple as “Hey babe, I’m hungry and I want pizza” as opposed to sitting there getting grumpier and grumpier until your significant other figures out something is wrong is a huge start to establishing healthy communication. If you’re a little more heated than just being hangry. It’s okay to give yourself some time to cool off so you can speak calmly and assertively. But the silent treatment is not okay. If you’re not speaking whoever you’re upset with has no idea what you need from them. They might not know exactly what they did wrong even if it seems super obvious to you. Keep the lines of communication open and you can actually work through a lot of conflict instead of letting it fester.
If you currently have a conflict in your life or you find that you think your feelings are constantly being ignored. Try to ask what you need from people. I know it can be scary and it feels so foreign if you aren’t used to doing it. But you may be pleasantly surprised at the results. If you’re not ready to address a big conflict or problem in your life, start small. Heck, even practice the words on your dog or plant. “ I feel sad when you poop in the house Emmy, I need you to tell me when you need to go outside.” They probably won’t respond the same way a person would but hey you’re practicing using your voice. You’ve got this.
With Love,
Kate
Co-Owner Nordic Moon
