XOXO — Kate
As some of you know, I have been in a relationship for over 4 years. Since November 23rd 2014 to be exact. Jerry and I have a very loving strong and healthy relationship. We also both have depression and anxiety which can make things… interesting. There are some perks of dating someone who has the same mental health disorders that you do but there are also some things that can be a bit more difficult.
On the plus side of things, we each understand what it’s like to be depressed or to have anxiety on a disordered level. This understanding has lead to us each feeling more comfortable sharing the deep vulnerable parts of ourselves with one another. There is no fear of judgment for our thoughts or feelings. We also tend to be more patient with each other when one of us is in a slump. And since we each experience the unhelpful unsolicited advice we have a refuge from that in our relationship and in our home.
But like most things in life, having a mental illness makes things more challenging. While we each can understand what its like when your mental health disorder gets bad we each exhibit our symptoms in different ways. Which also means different coping skills help one more than they help the other. There is no one size fits all to treatment and recovery. We also tend to take turns. When my anxiety or depression has gotten out of control Jerry has become a care taker for me and vice versa. Watching your significant other go through bouts of depression and high anxiety levels can also trigger your own mental health symptoms to worsen. And when you’re the partner who is down it can make you feel guilty or defective for not being at the same level of mental stability as your significant other. There has also been issues with enabling in our relationship. Since both of us understand how hard it is to be in those dark spots it can be hard for us to “push” each other to utilize our coping skills. There’s a balance between being supportive, enabling, and being insensitive. We have each struggled with that balance at times.
Something that has really helped us navigate a long term relationship with each other and our mental health was therapy. Both individual and couples. When I went to therapy/ treatment for myself not only did my mental health symptoms improve but so did my communication skills. Learning how to communicate effectively and identify what I really needed from my loved ones was a huge step in learning how to have healthy relationships. Treatment also helped me manage my expectations of people. Jerry couldn’t cure me and that was okay. He could support me through difficult times though as long as I communicated with him through those moments. People can’t read minds and passive aggressive social cues aren’t going to get you what you want from them. When we began communicating more effectively our relationship got even stronger. Even a simple “hey babe I’m feeling anxious right now.” Improved our relationship so much. A lot of my anxiety symptoms can mimic the symptoms of someone who may be upset with their partner. I have a difficult time speaking, my body tenses up, I don’t like to be touched, and it’s difficult for me to make eye contact. Those symptoms aren’t quite so intense now after a lot of treatment and using CBD Oil but when I had anxiety so bad I couldn’t talk I would shoot Jerry a quick text. Then he became aware that I wasn’t actually upset with him. He also learned to ask me “ do you want me to hold your hand, hug you, or leave you alone?” Then I was able to decide what I needed from him in that moment. We’re able to have these conversations out loud now unless we’re in highly public areas. We also found that when I began to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a more effective healthy manner Jerry was also able to communicate his thoughts and feelings in a more effective way. The treatment facility I was at also offered family sessions and since we were (and still are) living together at the time they suggested he come in for sessions with me. Now, we never had volatile arguments even before our journey with therapy. We have never been close to breaking up. I wouldn’t describe us as toxic ever. Couples therapy still helped us. It gave us an allotted time twice a month to check in with each other. To talk about anything we needed to and to receive advice from a licensed therapist.
Our relationship has remained strong through multiple individual battles with our mental illness and I attribute our strong communication as well as our willingness to allow each other to grow and change as the reason why. If there are any other couples out there who are also living with mental health disorders what are somethings you’ve found helpful for keeping your relationship strong and healthy?
- Kate
