Essay
Define Love
An essay on what we call “Love”
When I say “Love” and you say “Love”, what makes you think that we’re talking about the same thing? Because it’s completely… abstract. ¹
To define the meaning of this word is not an easy task, though it seems. Our explanations are not so precise. While delving on this term, the semiotician philosopher Roland Barthes became aware of such difficulties and, so, in his essay A Lover’s Discourse — Fragments, he tries to analyze the words that a lover uses to profess his love to someone — the lover circles the definition of “Love” and produces a discourse that gets them as close as possible to define such an overwhelming feeling.
Those who practice a critical non-monogamy propose the following way to deal with jealousy: to understand that “jealousy” is a word that encompasses a variety of feelings, that are most times conflictual. When someone says they are jealous They actually mean that they are feeling left aside by their loved one; feeling scared of being abandoned or of losing the one they love; they might be feeling lonely or longing for their arms. And so, the word “jealous”, alone, does not mean much.
The same happens with Love. Those who practice a critical non-monogamy explain that this word also encompasses a variety of feelings. Alone, the “love” does not mean much. Just notice how people say that They love pizza, that they love an autumn morning, that they love to read a good book on a cozy spot, that they love to travel, that they love to get wasted on a Friday night, or that the love to buy new clothing items on a shopping center.
I think that, when it comes to jealous, the non-monogamous gang are right. But, when we talk about love, they clearly missed the point (even though they got quite close). Nobody loves pizza, they just adore it — who claims to love pizza is simply using the wrong word to describe their feeling.
“Love”, in fact, encompasses a variety of feelings. We use this word in an attempt to define something that we are uncapable of describing. “Love” is not just affection or admiration; nor it’s just care or fondness; it’s not also just desire, attraction, lust. It’s more than liking someone, it’s more than linking to be with that someone. There’s a singularity in the loved person that makes the lover’s chest heavy when their loved one is not around.
“Love” is allowing yourself to be ridiculous. It’s to finally understand what Gorky Zygotic Mynci describes in Stood on Gold. I’s that tingling sensation electrifies the night air between the moment we see a lightning strike the ground and the moment we hear its thunder. It’s the feeling of peace we find in a tight hug. It’s as if the celestial mechanics took a halt.
It’s to move mountains just to be together. It’s to be at a party, and you’re both taking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes… but not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual… but because that is your person in this life.²
“Love” is connection.
It’s a word that was taken away from the Brazilian flag. The aphorism “Order and Progress” comes from a reduction of a phrase coined by the French positivist philosopher Auguste Comte. The complete phrase says: “Love as a principle, Order as a foundation, and Progress as a goal”. It seems to make perfect sense: “Love as a principle”, you desire something; “Order as a foundation”, you get organized so… “Progress as a goal”; so you can get it. “Love, Order and Progress”. ³
They took “Love” away… Although the words “Order” and “Progress” are somewhat questionable. In the name of “Order”, the military torture people. In the name of “Progress”, billionaires are building space rockets to evade Earth when all of its natural resources are finally drained by the same billionaires in the name of that same “Progress” — those billionaires will not care when they’ll abandon the humans that don’t have enough money to buy the ticket fees or even their stay on space.
You, who reads me, may have gotten the impression that this essay was written by someone in love. I must be honest: that was not the case. Thes essay was written by someone who had their heart broken. By someone who tries to understand what they were feeling. By someone who seeks to understand what to do with that love now there’s no one to give it to.
When I said “Love”, I was professing the honest truth. When he said “Love”, maybe he meant: “someone that I can play with, away from my friends eyes, at my birthday party”.
POETS REFERENCED IN THIS ESSAY
¹ Adapted excerpt from the play Os Arqueólogos (2016), by Vinícius Calderoni. These excerpt also appears on the movie Música para Morrer de Amor (2019), written and directed by Rafael Gomes — Calderoni’s artistic partner;
² Adapted excerpt from the movie Frances Ha (2012), written by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, and directed by Baumbach;
³ Adapted excerpt from the play Eu de Você (2019), by Denise Fraga, Luiz Villaça and Rafael Gomes.
NOTE: This essay was originally written in Portugues for “Entre Crônicas e Borboletas: Escrever com Rubem Braga”, a writing workshop taught by Anthony Almeida at A Escrevedeira.
You can read the original story in Portuguese here:
