AN OPEN LETTER TO DONALD TRUMP
Yo Donnie,
Well, now! This didn’t go the way you thought, right? Hey, join the club, Pally, you’re not alone. I’ve seen pictures of you and you look like the dude in “Black Mirror” who’s about to fuck a pig on live TV. I know that look. You’re shit scared and you can’t tell anyone. Because you’ve dug yourself in so deep, right? And you don’t know what to do now, right?
Here’s the thing, Donnie, I get you. I get you like you don’t even know how I get you. So let’s get down. Seriously. I’m gonna talk all Jersey at you and shit is going to be super real. I tried this all the way back in September 2015, but you blocked me. Makes it kinda tough for us to communicate.
Okay, so let’s set aside any points that might be considered divisive, like whether or not you have any knowledge of what truly awaits you regarding the day-to-day demands of the job (you don’t)0r which of you won the Popular Vote aka the Voice of the People (she did) or whether or not Loretta Lynch should be investigating your whole campaign staff for treason and collusion now that we know you were in cahoots with the Russians the entire time you were making promises to Americans (she should) or the fact that your potential team (Pence, Giuliani, Bannon, Sessions, Palin, Conway, Coulter, etc) scares the everliving shit out of most of the world (it does) or whether or not you’ll be in YUGE trouble in a couple of weeks thanks to that pesky RICO trial Judge Curiel is presiding over (you will). Let’s pass over the fact that so many of your supporters have been cyberharassing me and countless others (including famous journalists being stalked over simply doing their jobs) and send me tweets and messages like these:
Yeah…don’t let those bother you. I mean, YOU didn’t write them, right? YOU didn’t take pictures of my underage sons and use them in internet memes for incest, man-boy rape, anti-Semitism, and Nazism, THEY did that. Silly media (taking way too fucking long holy fucking Jesus on a pogo stick with spikes), to be blaming you for inspiring such things! How dare they.
We won’t even talk about YOUR Twitter, because, well…you know.
OK, now that we’ve established what we WON’T be covering, let’s get down to the brass tacks of why I’m writing to you. And listen, we can keep this between you and me for now, just to make you feel safe, and then we can open up the dialogue to others. I’ll be with you every step of the way. Like I said: I see you, I get you, and I understand you. I’m here to help.
Donnie, I think you and I both know this isn’t the gig you want. Look, it’s okay to admit it. It’ll make you feel psychically lighter. The truth shall set you free and all that. I totally get you wanting to make the point of showing how corrupt the system is, and how easy it is to manipulate the media. Dude, you are a champ at that, no one can deny. You did it. And honestly, I want to thank you for exposing just how easily led certain types in the media are. Now I know whom I can and cannot trust (most of the former are women and minorities, the latter seem to white dudes, shocker) and you exposed them all. Way to be!
Also, I know you felt embarrassed by President Obama and Seth Meyers at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner. The Nerd Prom is a tough room when you’re not one of the kids from the Gifted and Talented Program. And sorry to say, Donnie, you run with the jocks and the burners who hang behind the school instead of going to English class. So I get wanting to get back at them for making you look bad, too. Totally normal human response to want to clear your name and refresh your rep. I can relate, what with all this cyberharassment going on — I mean, getting hired is kinda tough when a simple Google search shows a certain segment of the population calling you a “libtard kike cunt” all over the Dark Web — but there are better ways to clear your name than by embarking on a 16-month-long revenge fuck.
Here’s the thing, Donnie: you can totes still get out of this. First of all, I’m not sure if you’ve been watching the news, but A LOT of people are really upset that their vote didn’t actually count thanks to the antiquated Electoral College dealio. I mean, you yourself even acknowledged how outdated it is just four short years ago:
Now, let’s take your words and apply them to the current sitch we find ourselves in. We are truly divided more than ever. The people who voted for you are clearly happy, while the ones who didn’t clearly aren’t. But we also know you aren’t happy, either. And your ego is such that you can’t just up and quit, because winners never quit. So don’t call it that. You’ve absolutely tapped into something significant in our country, and we can now see the great divide that needs to be healed. You are in a powerful position to help make that healing happen, and I’ll be among the most vocal giving you credit for being smart enough to realize it. You have to do something you’ve never done, something you have been accused of being incapable of, and you have to do it now to prove everyone wrong.
You have to make a sacrifice. And not the blood kind, which some of your supporters think your opponent was doing thanks to those ridic Wikileaks (and let’s just not with those, ok?).
You have to sacrifice yourself, Donnie. Not your life, not your freedom, not your wealth, not your fame. Just your “political career”. It’s time to admit this was a test for the nation, we failed, and you have proven your point. You must take one for the team now and tell the world you aren’t actually going to go ahead with all this, because you can see how it’s already causing so much unrest.
People are going to continue to protest. People will never stop fighting you. People will never stop criticizing you. You are already feeling the weight of the scrutiny. It’s heavy, and it’s exhausting to carry. It’s only been a few days. Imagine the reaction of this week magnified by a bazillion if you actually take office. You will never stop getting hate tweets. The media will never leave you alone. You will never be able to so much as take one day off to play golf without everyone being up your ass. You will never go anywhere publicly without being met with a hail of boos and worse. Your youngest son, who’s somehow enjoyed a pretty quiet life up until now, will be raised in front of a camera and will never be left alone. You will never catch a break, and any misstep will become a giant scandal. Every day, all day, someone somewhere will be jumping your shit and IT WILL NEVER STOP EVER.
Unless you stop it. Because you are the only one who can.
Just step up and be a man. Take one for Team America. You’ll be held up as a selfless hero who truly made a personal sacrifice for the betterment of the country he loves and cares about so very deeply. You’ll save America from the internal retaliations that will continue to divide us. And when you save America, you save the world.
Be the hero you want to be for America. Take your message to Trump TV. You already have your audience. They will follow you anywhere. You need to remember who you really are. You’re a businessman, not a politician. Meetings are boring. Policy is mind-numbing. Don’t you want to just play golf at your Trump Courses and have nice Trump dinners and fly on your Trump plane and sleep in your own bed in Trump Tower every night? Of course you do. I get it. You know I’m right.
No one will really be mad at you, Donnie. A few people might express disappointment, but since we have social media, they still can make their own voices heard. They can contribute to your Trump TV lineup. They can be their own Voice of America through you. Have at it. Meanwhile, your former opponent can get the job she really wanted to do, and will be really good at it, and nobody’s life has to change all that drastically. Because drastic change is scary as fuck, dude. You’re experiencing it right now. You didn’t think you’d have to change a thing about your own life to change America, and now it’s hitting home that you do. I bet you're having stress dreams like whoa. But guess what, Donnie? You don’t have to change one thing about your life if you don’t really want to. It’s okay. You still have freedom of choice. GRAB THAT CHANCE (ha, see what I did there? Sorry, but humor helps with the healing, trust!).
Donnie, I am seriously begging you to consider what I’m asking. Think about it, really and for true. It’s time to give up the ghost and come clean. You’d have the respect of every single American who’s currently ripshit furious at you and yours. And you would be seen worldwide as a true American patriot.
One last thought to leave you with. Throughout your campaign, I’d often see “Donald J. Trump”, and it would always remind me of this Bugs Bunny cartoon. Watch this clip. Remember who you are. You are Donald J. Trump, Millionaire. You own a mansion and a yacht. NEVER FORGET.
Love,
Tara
