An Open Letter to Donald Trump- NOT From a Bassist

Dear Donald Trump,

First, let me state that, despite what you may have heard, I am NOT the current touring bassist of Hoobastank and I am INFURIATED by rumors to the contrary. INFURIATED, I say!

That being said, I would like you to know that I will vote for you on November 9th in the general election on one condition: if you will allow Hoobastank to play at your inauguration. Also, please pay them- oh, say $50,000 for the gig.

If this seems too high of a price tag, then perhaps you don’t realize just how important Hoobastank’s music was to Americans during the years 2001–2004 (just about all of whom, I should point out, are now voting age). Did you know that Hoobastank’s self-titled debut album is certified platinum by the RIAA? I can barely believe it myself, because the follow-up (2003’s The Reason) is, in fact, three times better, yet was only certified DOUBLE platinum.

Many detractors have labeled Hoobastank’s music as being bad. This is objectively wrong & they should all be imprisoned until death. They have called us- I mean, THEM: “Hoobaskank,” “shit rock,” and (most insultingly) “the poor man’s Incubus.”

This last criticism is particularly irritating. I make golden urine-water on Incubus & all they stand for. Goddamn posers. They don’t have any talent, man! Just the worst kind of hacks. Also, Brandon Boyd is a skeezy-ass pussbag who stole the girlfriend of Hoobastank’s golden-throated vocalist, Doug Robb. But I guess that’s what Doug gets for falling in love with a Melanie. They’re nothing but trouble, I always say. Sorry- I didn’t mean YOUR Melanie… er, Melania. I’m sure she is a delight & doesn’t like Incubus at all. What person of taste & refinement possibly could?

So, to return to my original point: please book Hoobastank for $50,000 and I will vote for you in the key battleground state of Pennsylvania… and if $50,000 seems too much, please contact their manager. They may be willing to do it for less. Like $40,000. Or $300. Or maybe a bottle of your Trump vodka. I hear it’s really good, and I’m willing to bet (to quote Hoobastank themselves) “the reason is YOU.”

Sincerely,

-Rob Cee

(NOT the current touring bassist of Hoobastank)