40 Days. 40 Nights.

E.M. Murphy
Penny Press
Published in
6 min readMar 10, 2022
credited to Getty Images by Tinnakorn Jorruang (10725-gettyimages-tinnakorn-jorruang.jpg)

It’s the most holy time of the year for those who follow the Christian faith.

It is Lent, the season of prayer, fasting and almsgiving (acts of charity). Lent starts on Ash Wednesday (think the day after Fat Tuesday)and ends on Easter (think new life and resurrection).

Those who do not know or seek to understand the Christian faith may have a skewed perspective — or an uninformed one — and believe it to be a pietistic time. They may think it is for the holy-rollers, the pro-lifers and the righteous ones. The uptight, anti-fun folks who don’t drink, smoke, swear, gamble or participate in any questionable activities.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. If you don’t believe me, stop into any local Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s an occasion when even those who aren’t any fun, have fun.

But what Lent is actually an ideal of year for sinners(all of us), and those who contemplate — well, everything.

It is 40 days and 40 nights of conscious living, of intent, when those who want to find purpose and strive to be the best version of themselves focus on the examination of their inner world.

They ask questions. They reflect. They pray.

The Lenten season is about sacrifice and repentance, intention and goodness.

We who actively participate may find our penitential practices hard at times, but they lift our inner spirit with the objective of deepening our faith and living in a more kind, compassionate, tolerant and giving way. It reminds us of what’s most important in life and teaches us how to live in that way.

I cherish this time of year, as I am a person of deep faith and spirituality is essential to me.

I’m not easy to identify, others would definitely evaluate, question then still wonder — who is she? What religion does she subscribe to?

An eclectic mix of all may answer your question — a baptized Catholic who practices a bit of Buddhism, participates in the Hava Nagila, believes in Confucian principles as a recipe for living and analyzes the Bible, born again every day.

Yet no matter what I think or feel, I could never find a valid reason (or desire) to formally lose my religion — who is singing R.E.M. right now, my 80s pals?

I’ve experienced other religions and attended their services which taught me that there is value in all of them.

Truth be told, I don’t agree with much of Catholicism. I believe in being a good person and I believe in the 10 Commandments.

But some of the other rules and beliefs?

Forgive me though, because I don’t believe any human — even the Pope — is infallible. We are all sinners. Every one of us.

Pre-martial sex is natural for many and not always for procreation only. Discretion, maturity and responsibility are God-given attributes for those who choose to participate in relations outside of marriage or for those inspired by hedonistic, lustful desires. One should act in accordance with his/her own conscience.

The February 19th Gospel needed much explanation, as it sounded like instructions for tolerating unhealthy relationships and abuse. At what point do we say no?

No, I am not looking the other way or allowing you to walk all over me each and every day, again. I may forgive, but in reality, I accept and move on, not necessarily with that person still in my life.

I am not Jesus, even if I do strive to live in the likeness of Him.

For years, I attended Mass regularly, returning after a hiatus. It was a calling, a desire, something I couldn’t explain yet knew intuitively I was invited to do.

My parents never forced me to attend services growing up, but I went to parochial school — grammar and high, as well as some years at a Jesuit college. I also served as a catechist and taught CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) for several years. Kindergarten — because I was qualified.

Birthday parties for Jesus on December 25 were everyone’s favorite! After all, Christmas is the day we celebrate his birth.

Let it be known that I failed morality class in high school, had to retake it, because I questioned and disputed a plethora of teachings and beliefs — that we were told to take on faith.

Faith? Believe in? Who, what, where why, when, how?

I failed for that. Yet I was sitting next to a teenage soon-to-be-mom and we were all fully aware of a student who was having an affair with the late — and married — teacher of that class. It wasn’t a rumor — it was a fact.

The two eventually married when he’d left his first wife and had children of their own. I’m still scratching my head at the hypocrisy and suppression of such acts.

Nothing to see here. Let’s pray for them.

I see it and get it, but don’t condone it. I may have, had they been honest and open about it all. That’s asking for a lot, though.

But I am a baptized Catholic with a very deep faith in God — not necessarily humanity.

When I cross the threshold of a Church, I am suddenly overcome with a sense of calm, peace and pleasure.

A feeling of subtle euphoria passes through me. I quiet my mind. I tap into my soul. I lift up my heart not only to the Lord — but to life.

To those in need. To those struggling. To those seeking support.

To my family, friends and acquaintances. To strangers, foes and enemies.

My aim is to be a better version of myself every day.

I try. I fail. Yet I never give up. I will always rise again to face another day, to try again.

Self-righteousness is not religion. It is self-righteousness.

Judgment is not religion. It is judgment.

Religion is how we live our life every day.

Religion is waking with a grateful heart then setting out to make a difference in the lives of all we come into contact with that day.

Religion is listening and understanding.

Religion is not judgment, but compassion.

Religion is love — pure love filled with honesty, candor and truth.

Even when the truth is ugly. It’s real. It’s to be respected and admired because it takes courage and strength to be honest.

I took an unexpected break from Mass attendance. There are so many reasons why — yet I don’t feel guilt.

What I do feel is elation for having returned.

I am excited, hopeful and driven.

I crave peace. I long for connection. I want to find purpose, because I often lose my way.

And I am again reminded of how engaged I am, how present, and how much I’ve grown as a person.

I’d a habit of getting ticked off and walking away from things that didn’t meet my ideals — biting off my own nose to spite my face, as the saying goes.

Done. Finished. Whatever.

When I look back, those were immature and impulsive — not to mention poor — decisions on more than one occasion.

Today, I’m thrilled to be back in God’s home, even if he is with me every day. And I am in the throes of making some changes during these 40 days.

I’m selfishly using Lent to improve. I’m selfishly adding goodness to my life — maybe a sacrifice in some ways, but more of an effort.

I’ve always believed in making a change, adding something positive to one’s life, for lent — not giving up sweets or Facebook.

Sacrifice can be easy. Commitment — not so much.

Whether Christian, Catholic or other, how can you make a difference this Lenten season? What will you sacrifice, offer up or commit to?

May Lent offer us all the focus and intent to figure out who we are, where we’re going and how we can make this world a better place.

Amen.

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E.M. Murphy
Penny Press

Voracious writer. Lifetime learner. Eternal seeker.