Having Kids Will Change You
Not all the changes will be good though
I had always dreamed of being a parent. Children always seemed to like me, and I just felt comfortable around them. There was no job I had ever wanted that seemed realistic to me other than being a stay-at-home mom. Sure, I had lofty dreams of being a lawyer or pyrotechnician. I knew those jobs were nearly unattainable for me though. But staying home and raising children, seemed like the perfect thing for me to do with my life.
I had my first child, Tobias, in 2019. Everything was so perfect and wonderful. He was so calm and easygoing. Very shortly after he was born, I had gotten pregnant once again. I gave birth to my second child, Harrison, in 2020. My two boys were only 11 months apart in age. Having one child was easy. Having two? I started to falter. I ended up with postpartum depression and was put on medication to help. Having a child who was walking but not able to do anything himself and having a newborn was a whole new level of responsibility I was not prepared for. Things settled down after we moved and had fewer things around that Tobias could get hurt on. Still, I felt so much stress and responsibility. I struggled to adjust for longer than I would like to admit.
I had my third child, Xaviera, in 2021. She is a ball of sunshine and a tornado of attitude. After she was born, I felt even more like I was failing these children. Harrison had all but stopped talking. He would cry all the time. Tobias is smart and polite but lives on his phone. Xaviera is so happy until she is left alone. All this stress and doubt can easily change you, not just as a parent, but on a fundamental level.
Things are different after having children. Some people seem to just glow and give the impression that they are perfect parents. I’ll tell you a little secret. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Some parents are very clearly better than others. Some people downright should never have children. But one thing I have learned in the past three years is that the people who claim to be perfect parents are usually the ones with more issues. They are the ones that are more likely to ignore their weaknesses and deny there is anything that they can improve on.
Raising kids is a huge undertaking. Every day I think of what I did wrong and what I did well. I am not the same person I was before having kids. I get mad and frustrated much more easily. I am able to express those emotions in a healthier way most days, however. Most would consider me to be lazy now. I would disagree. I have learned what I find important and what just is not worth my energy. I keep my house cleaner, but I do not fold clothes. I cook every day, but we do not eat dinner until after 9. I live in a mild state of anxiety, but I am prepared and act quickly when things go wrong. I have never doubted my choices so much in my life, but this doubt pushes me to be mindful and actually consider what effect my decisions will have on my children. I am a completely different person. Not all those changes are good. I make mistakes and learn from them. I am growing as a parent and trying my best. For every negative change to who I am, I try to see if it is actually a benefit in disguise. If I can find no ways that it could be helpful, I work hard on overcoming that behavior. I show my children compassion when they are learning and making mistakes. We all need to show ourselves that same love and compassion.
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