Put the F****** Phone Down: A Letter to My Luteal Self
One of the most alarming things about having premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is that it can make you feel like a completely different person for two weeks out of the month. During my follicular phase, I am a mostly normal, responsible citizen who makes good choices. However, during luteal, I can turn into a hedonistic, impulsive demon that loves nothing more than to tank all of my personal progress. It’s sort of like dealing with your sober and drunk self when your sober self is a pacifist, but your drunk self is ready to fight strangers in the parking lot!
So, while I figure out what meds will temper my PMDD demon, here is a letter to myself with some helpful suggestions that I hope will keep me out of trouble for now.
Dear luteal demon,
Hi, how are you? I know — probably struggling with brain fog, fatigue, and having the attention span of a fruit fly. It sucks to be in this place, and I know it’s not your fault. However, in the interest of self-preservation, I thought I’d write down some suggestions for what to do and what not to do in this vulnerable time. Ready? Here we go:
1) Don’t quit your job.
We’ve been down this road a lot, and it hasn’t gotten easier. Our feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and self-doubt run rampant during this time, and when things are hard at work, it makes everything so much worse. But the hopelessness is temporary, and things will get better soon. Try telling someone how you’re feeling so the burden isn’t too heavy to bear.
Also, we have a mortgage to pay, so please get back to work.
2) Relatedly, don’t start an OnlyFans.
Sure, it seems like an easy way to make money. We have boobs and a camera — what else would we need? But remember when we briefly had an Etsy shop and couldn’t keep up with taking photos of all the little trinkets we made? Remember how hard it was to figure out proper lighting? Also, our tattoos make us identifiable and we don’t have the patience to figure out video editing. Let’s move on.
(Fine, feet pics are still on the table).
3) Put the phone down.
I understand that short videos of puppies, makeup tips, and drag queens are hard to resist. But we can’t spend hours compulsively scrolling because we don’t have the attention span to do anything else. Why? Because the same thing always happens — we waste a ton of time and then feel awful about ourselves for not being more productive. You know your self-worth is already fragile, so let’s not make it worse by watching the same videos over and over again on YouTube.
One more thing — don’t text him. You know who I’m talking about. You will not get the ego boost you seek; all it will do is give you one more thing to feel shitty about.
4) Throw your credit card into the sea.
Okay, maybe that’s dramatic. Also, we’re in a landlocked area. But I know your favorite impulsive activity is online shopping, and we need to be a little better at ensuring we don’t get into massive credit card debt (again). I promise we do not need that lip gloss, eyeshadow, shirt, shoes, or that cute snail-shaped candleholder from Anthropologie. It will not fill the void or help with the pervasive feeling of worthlessness that can distort our decision-making during this time.
May I suggest shopping in our closet instead, picking out something fun we haven’t worn in a while? Or we can window shop and add things to our online wish lists. That usually works well since we usually immediately forget about our items once we click the little hearts. Let’s use our brain fog and short-term memory issues to our advantage, shall we?
5) REST.
I understand that fatigue is deeply frustrating. And yes, it sucks that the older we get, the harder it is to fight it. You keep trying to push through it like we used to before we fully understood what was going on with our body. But listen — we’re middle-aged now. We have to work together to keep ourselves functional for as long as possible. So when you hit the wall, can’t think straight, or are frustrated, it’s okay to go back to bed for a bit. Taking care of our physical and emotional needs is more important than trying to prove we are above them.
Finally, don’t forget to eat. I know we usually get the weight gain side effects from the meds, but this time, we have the loss of appetite. If you’re mad about nothing, you probably need a snack.
Thanks for reading this, and see you on the other side,
- Lynsey (follicular version)
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