We gather ‘round

Hosting a space for healing in the face of one country’s downward spiral

I did a thing. And here’s why.

I’ve been working in and around “activist” groups for a while now. And for a long time I’ve seen a need to have a space for decompression, especially for those folks that carry the majority of the emotional labor in groups. During Occupy Wall Street it came in the form of leisure caucus. For a while in Colorado it took the shape of climate activist happy hours. And it generally shows up everywhere as potlucks and dance parties. You’ve probably seen this yourself. Folks doing hard work get together after hours to shake off their stress. And that’s good. More self care is good.

But for some reason none of these ever felt like the right shape for deep healing in a society with such broken communities. There was either too much burden placed on arriving with something in hand (money to spend, a food thing to share, etc), an unhealthy expectation to consume alcohol, or just generally too little structure to feel comfortable being vulnerable. I’d been talking with friends for years about starting something that had a stronger, stated intention for collective healing…something that really felt held. But never acted on it.

Then the 2016 election happened.

All of a sudden I saw people flooding into groups wanting to help, to act, to learn, to get skilled up and on-boarded, to do something. And yeah, that was great. At the same time, the organizers (my friends) in those groups already had full plates. Suddenly they were inundated with a lot of extra work, a lot of extra emotional labor. I wanted to do something to support and care for these people who hold so much themselves. So this was the time.

Gather ‘Round became a thing. And how you can do it, too.

all are welcome, as they are

Along with my dear friend (and super-human) Rae Abileah I crafted a structure for this thing we call Gather ‘Round. We made an email group, a google doc, and some simple guidelines/cultural norms, then set it into motion. It’s been going for over a year now. Sometimes we have three people, sometimes we have eight people. Sometimes people cry, sometimes people laugh. Sometimes it’s hard to get folks together and we skip it, sometimes new people show up and we expand the circle. It doesn’t feel perfect, but it feels good and it feels important. And I’d love to share it with you in case you want to gather, too.

Here are the eight cultural norms we set up:

• Each Gather ‘Round is fully hosted by one person. We are cultivating a culture of hosting. This is fundamental. At a Gather ‘Round you know you’ll have a meal (I like to make soup) and be taken care of. This gives everyone the ability to show up exactly as they are.
• Hosting always rotates. We meet at the host’s house. This let’s us distribute the emotional labor — and pleasure—of hosting. At the end of each gathering the next host is chosen.
• We meet regularly, but not religiously. It’s up to the host to call the gathering and find a date that works. Whoever can come, will.
• We choose a topic to frame our gathering. We like to dive deep into things, explore common threads, run off on tangents, see how things connect, and then have a hitching post to bring us back to center. In the past we’ve talked about things like: post-election solidarity, the meaning of ritual, how we define home, and smashing the patriarchy.
• We have an open dialogue. That means: we’re not deciding anything and results may vary. It is what it is.
• There’s a culture against creating action items. We have enough to do already, thanks.
• The conversation should flow. We keep an open notebook and in the center of the circle. That way, if someone has something to share, like a video or book, they can always grab the notebook and take a note. Someone from the group updates a shared Google doc with all the resources at the end of the gathering. This prevents ceaseless YouTube parties or forgetting about that really cool book you wanted to read.
• We use the four agreements for courageous conversation (originally developed by Glenn Singleton). We read them aloud at the beginning of each Gather ‘Round. They are:

1. Stay engaged. Remain morally, emotionally, intellectually, and socially involved in dialogue. Stay present: guard against the learned tendency to disengage. Collectively make the commitment to embrace the conversation/dialogue.
2. Experience discomfort. Deal openly and honestly with challenges: open up and examine your own core beliefs, values, perceptions, and behaviors. Engage in the dialogue authentically: be personally responsible for pushing yourself into real dialogue. Recognize that discomfort often leads to real growth.
3. Speak your truth. Be willing to take risks. Share honest thoughts, feelings, and opinions. We are experts in defining our own experiences and personal realities.
4. Expect and accept non-closure. Solutions may be revealed in the process of dialogue itself: There is no “quick fix.” Dialogue triggers a moral, intellectual, social, and emotional shift that allows for opportunities. The more one talks, the more one learns; the more one learns, the more appropriate and promising your actions and interventions.

And that’s it.

If something here struck a chord in you, I’d like to invite you to Gather ‘Round in your community. You now have all that we have. There are no secrets or institutional knowledge to pass along. It’s this simple. And, by all means, remix these norms to suit your needs. If you do, I’d love to hear what you did.

Lastly, thanks to Richard D. Bartlett for reminding me that I have things to share that other nice people might like to hear about.

❤

Update:

Realizing that this may come across as an “activist” group/structure, I’d like to extend an invitation to people who don’t identify with activism. Healing is important for all of us, regardless of which groups and identifiers we belong to. All are welcome to gather ‘round.