5 Things Your Teenager Wishes You Knew
The secrets to connecting with the adolescents in your life
This semester, I’m taking HDFS 3030, which is Adolescent Development in the Family. The course covers exactly that — how a teenager grows and develops within the context of their family system.
“Conscious parenting is not about being perfect, it’s about being aware. Aware of what your kids need from you to reach more of their full potential.” ― Alex Urbina, The Inspirational Parent: The Magical Ingredients For Effective Parenting
A lot of what we talk about centers on teenagers making their own way in the world, and what they most want, need, and crave from the adults in their lives.
I’ve talked to teenagers quite a bit in the past year and it’s heartbreaking for me to hear how many teens feel unsupported, unloved, and pushed to their breaking point by parents who think they’re doing the right thing.
I hope this list of messages from teenagers can give you a little insight into their needs, and to how you can build up your relationship with a teen in the future.
Here are five things that teenagers in your life wish you knew:
#1: They want your support
Teens want to know that they have someone in their corner. They need someone to give them structural support, but also emotional support and the financial support for the things they reasonably need and want to do.
Shame is a terrible parenting strategy. Support works a whole lot better.
“We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt\
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Dr. Brene Brown says that “children experience shame as the threat of being unlovable.” Your job as a parent is to make sure that your child never feels like they’re unlovable.
Even the child you’ve had a good relationship with their whole life can still feel this way sometimes. It’s your job to make sure that you’re always ready to fight those thoughts with unconditional love, support, and encouragement.
#2: They want to know that they’re more than what they produce
No child, no person, for that matter, wants to be seen as just the sum of what they can put out into the world. Part of being a responsible adult in a teenager’s life is looking past what they’re creating.
When most people think of harsh parenting of a teenager, they think of the dad yelling at his son on the ball field and embarrassing him in front of the whole stands for missing a hit or a catch.
“… responding with anger does not help your teenager see themselves. It only helps them to see you in a very bad light.” ― Kenneth Wilgus, Feeding The Mouth That Bites You: A Complete Guide to Parenting Adolescents and Launching Them Into the World
While this a particularly horrendous example of placing your child’s worth in his accomplishments, this can happen more subtly in other areas.
If a teen is only seen as their grades, their performance, their leadership, or their good behavior all of the time, they’re going to do one of two things based off of what I’ve learned: (1) start looking to feel better and get validation in other ways, or (2) start hiding from you and faking fine so as to look put together and accomplished in your eyes.
Both results end up with your teen withdrawing from you — which nobody wants from the teen in their life.
In order to keep them close, celebrate accomplishments and encourage high performance because of who they are…not as a way to determine who they are.
Let them operate out of worth, rather than in attempts to earn it.
#3: A little bit of privacy would be nice
In the words of Parenting Today’s Teens article titled “What Teenagers Wish They Could Say to Their Parents”, teens say that something along the lines of “Privacy isn’t always deception.”
Teenagers are not kids, and they don’t want to be treated like it. They crave your trust, your respect, and a little bit more freedom, as they earn it and prove that they can handle some things on their own.
At the end of the day, teens will soon be off on their own having to make essentially all of their decisions for themselves without the helicopter guidance of a parent.
“Occasionally, it was hard to watch them not measure up to our adult standards, but that discomfort was our problem, not theirs.” ― Ben Crawford, 2,000 Miles Together: The Story of the Largest Family to Hike the Appalachian Trail
Your job as the adult in their life is to help them be ready for that day of independence by giving them incremental freedoms as they get older and prove that they can handle it.
Give them clear consequences and don’t set them up to fail. But with the more trustworthy teens in your life, you might be impressed with how positively a little bit of freedom can affect your relationship and their level of responsibility.
You don’t have to give up monitoring them, but you can start to build up trust and let them flap their wings and fly a little while it’s still safe to fail at home.
#4: They want to make you proud
On a similar note, teenagers pick up on a lot of things. They can hear the tone that you use, feel the eye contact you give them, and sense when you’re the slightest bit disappointed in them. And they hate it.
“Whatever emotional state you’re in while you’re parenting conveys more to your child than the content of what you’re doing with them, no matter how perfect your intervention looks ‘on paper.’” ― Michael Y. Simon, The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies that Work for Your Teenager
Even the rowdiest and most irresponsible teens, deep down inside, want someone to let them know that they’re acceptable, loved, and worthy of being proud of for who they are and who they will be in life.
However, the pressure on teenagers these days is immeasurable. From all sides there are expectations to do all of the things and be all of the things, with no resources, free time, breaks, or independence to make it happen.
Without the support and encouragement from a parent or adult in their life, it can feel nothing short of impossible.
#5: They just need a hug
Research has shown that in order to be our best selves, even the most antisocial individuals need four hugs a day to survive at a baseline level and not decline on various health measures. That number increases to twelve hugs when we’re looking at what’s necessary for growth.
While I’m not sure how these studies were conducted or how we should all go about getting our twelve hugs, it serves as an important reminder for our need for physical contact and affection from the people in your life.
“The only thing I know for certain about raising teenagers is I have no idea what I’m doing. Every day I’m just hoping I didn’t mess up too badly, trying to do a little better than the previous day. […] Loving them the only way I know how: with all my heart and everything I have. And hoping that it’s enough.” — Whitney Fleming
It’s often said that delinquent individuals, or those with poor relationship and substance abuse choices are “looking for love” (or fulfillment, pleasure, etc.) in all of the wrong places.
Your job as an adult in your teen’s life is making sure that they have their needs fulfilled with you.
It’s your job, first and foremost, to establish what love and healthy relationships look like, and to serve as a trustworthy individual that they can turn to in times of need.
Give them love, support, and kindness, and they will be someone you just might enjoy getting to know and send off into the world.
Teenagers are amazing — and they deserve our unconditional support to become all that they want and can be in this life.
They are both children and adults simultaneously with the superpowers of mental time travel, imagination, creativity.
They are change agents, and pioneers of the future with hope and a radical understanding of justice and what they need from the adults in their life.
We can do our due diligence in giving them what they need to thrive and lead the way into the future — whether they be our own children or otherwise. Best of luck.
Go hug a teenager today, let them know you love them, and get in their corner for when life inevitably gets hard. They’ll love it, I promise.
