Let’s talk about the new T-Rex Monopoly piece

by Rex the Dinosaur. Stay woke, humans.

I am Rex and this is what a dinosaur looks like.

Last week, Hasbro stepped into the 21st century and finally acknowledged that yes, Dinosaurs deserve representation on the Monopoly board. WELCOME, HUMANS.

Hasbro announced that three of its iconic game pieces would be replaced with a rubber ducky, a penguin, and, most notably, a Tyrannosaurus Rex. That’s right, a dinosaur is finally setting foot on the intersection of Park Place and Boardwalk.

It only makes sense. After all, we enjoyed eons of unchallenged real estate dominance before you humans came along.

Unfortunately, this is not the nuanced, modern depiction of a dinosaur we’ve been fighting for. Far from it. It is obvious that no actual dinosaurs were consulted during the design of this game piece.

Lucky for you, humans, I am here to fix that.

The New T-Rex Piece: a Deconstruction

Is this the best you humans could do?

Here it is: your standard brutish, stomping Tyrannosaurus Rex, but gold! A far cry from the airbrushed sophistication afforded the penguin token, or the adorable rubber ducky…

When are we going to move past this tired trope? When will we dinosaurs have the chance to sink our teeth into meatier roles? The romantic lead. The dashing hero. There’s more than one kind of dinosaur out there, sheeple.

So many issues here. Let us break them down one by one:

Do not mind me, I just dropped my car keys.

What, you think yours is the only species evolved enough to walk upright? Might want to check your human privilege.

Thankfully, this is easily remedied.

Who has two sharp claws and is tired of tiny arm jokes? This guy.

Ah, much better. Next: the arms.

Tiny arm jokes just NEVER GET OLD, do they? I mean, come on—this sorry excuse for an extremity is not even substantial enough to justify separating it from his torso.

We are going to have to make some serious limb adjustments.

You want an angry dinosaur? I’ll give you an angry dinosaur…

Oh, look—the dinosaur is roaring. So terrifying! Sigh.

You know that dinosaurs experience a full range of emotions, just like you, right? And what is up with those teeth? I suppose you think he can’t reach his toothbrush all the way to his mouth. Typical.

We’ll add a nice smile, I think. Let’s also fix those chompers while we are at it…

I just cannot even.

I could go through the rest of the problems but we don’t all have 130 million years to spare.

So, to save time, I’ve put together a new and improved dinosaur game piece that more accurately portrays the modern dinosaur without all the pitfalls of human species-appropriation.

Behold, a dinosaur game piece worth its weight in gold:

Pure gilded perfection.

That is one handsome—I mean, empowered dinosaur. You’re welcome, Hasbro.

No. You’re welcome, world.

Ghostwritten by Refe and Susan Tuma. Look for our new book What the Dinosaurs Did book series, including What the Dinosaurs Did At School hitting shelves June 6 and available for preorder now.

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