God is Real
My Christian Testimony
“God is real. I know he is. I pray to him every time I lose my trumpet book and afterwards I always end up finding it”. This was my age ten, uncomplicated response when asked by my friends why I believed in God.
As far back as I can remember, God was a part of my life. I was around seven, so I’ve been told, when I made the choice to sit with a kind older couple who ran the church holiday club and, with the help of several coloured bits of paper, asked Jesus to forgive my sins and become my Lord and Saviour. I can’t say at the time I was aware of a huge difference or life altering consequence following this “significant prayer”. From my perspective, I had always known God and he’d known me. Praying was a common practice and hearing God’s voice, even in trivial matters (such as trumpet books) was a very normal thing.
As I got older and hit my teens, the biblical way of living didn’t match up to the way I wanted to live. I was drawn to the “fun” ventures my school friends were partaking in and the rebellious side of my character was too good at outsmarting the knowledge and morals I had learned in my youth. Picture the old cartoons where there was an angel character on one shoulder and a devil character on the other, which one usually came out on top? It wasn’t quite as dramatic as that but I became good at living how I wanted throughout the week, turning up to church on Sunday feeling guilty, ashamed and quite often hungover, asking God for forgiveness, experiencing his loving grace and mercy and then repeating this pattern all over again.
This went on for a while.
At University, I now had the freedom to skip church on a Sunday without anyone knowing. “Sleep is more important anyway” was a common justification I told myself. However, as the years went on I became less satisfied with the highs and lows of the life I was living. I wasn’t doing well in my exams, my lifestyle choices were pushing friends away and the things I previously found exciting were becoming dull and hollow. A university internship in Frankfurt, Germany came at just the right time. “A change of scenery is all you need”, I told myself as I packed my bags and got on a flight; fully convinced this would be the fresh start I was craving.
Spoiler Alert. A nasty and manipulative boss sucked the last bit of joy I had left and I fell into a deep pit of what I can only describe as numb loneliness. This all became too much one particular Tuesday evening when, in a rare outburst, I decided I could no longer go on living this way. I sobbed and fell to my knees on the floor of my bathroom crying out to the God I knew so well in my youth, pleading with him to do something to change my circumstances. In the small echoey bathroom, I heard the words “I love you, you don’t have to do this alone” and a few minutes later, “I need all of your life, not just part of it”. It was an extremely powerful, yet immensely kind moment. God was here, I heard him with my own ears.
My life and understanding of God changed that day. Choosing to give God only one morning a week was not enough. Living a life of selfishness, shame, repentance and forgiveness is exhausting. I’m not saying that I never make mistakes anymore or don’t need to ask for forgiveness, I still mess up often but my heart posture has changed. God’s grace is not a get out of jail free card or an excuse to live however I want knowing I have a great back up token to get into heaven. God reached out when I needed him the most. He showed me what it truly means to live and I can never go back. It was only in sacrificing my whole life for God and allowing him to use me for his purpose, where I found the true fulfilment I was so desperately seeking.
