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Drowning in Unworthy

Jealousy is a wretched feeling to have and no one really wants to admit its there because its ultimately just self-inflicted pain.

Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash

Jealousy feels like nausea to me. Its very powerful and distracting. Its rooted in a feeling of inadequacy rather than anger toward anyone else. It just stems out into rage if we allow it to grow. If managed properly it can be transmuted into a driving force to accomplish goals we’ve set out for ourself. But it’s so easy to sit in envy because it doesn’t require any effort, just sulking. It makes me angry because I know I am capable but am not always convinced that other people are aware of that fact. Which means I’m actually not aware of it myself. I guess I’m not really sure how I can be capable for the collective or in what ways I can use the skills I’ve accumulated in any way that is worthy of being acknowledged. I haven’t isolated my talents to anything useful that brings me joy.

One of the underlying reasons I envy others is I often convince myself they have more time to work on their own projects. I commit myself to a lot of other peoples’ projects which leads me to devote less time to my own. The issue is not really about having enough time to commit to myself, its that my goals don’t interest the people with whom I associate. This is a painful part of growing where we no longer have much in common with people we’ve felt a deep connection to in the past. However, I think the real problem is that we don’t communicate our desires to the group because they make us feel vulnerable.

I really want to explore this emotion more but there are parts of me that are hesitant. I have pretty severe insecurites that manifest in others and are directed toward me. Somewhere in my childhood I developed a strong wall of ‘I don’t give a fuck what people think of me’, but it’s because I actually do. I know this because I guard that feeling in a very aggressive way. I even offensively use my vulnerability sometimes to signal my virtue. Even while writing this I feel childish and needy.

I don’t know where I fit into this world and that scares me. I have trouble manifesting joy for fear of judgement. It is difficult for me to see how the things that I like to do could be lucrative and I’m sad because I know that comes from a scarcity mindset. There’s so much in this world I want to explore but I’m stuck in a moment of grounding and its uncomfortable for me to not be free to do what I want in connection with others. But I’m bringing in the good and I know that working through these tough feelings is part of the yoga of life. Every feeling is only temporary but still very important to explore.

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa



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