Published in


Only Time Will Tell

This morning I tried to run a Horary Chart.

No, I have no training in the technique but I am desperate for a miracle so I ran the chart and then went to look up some step-by-step directions. Of course I was looking in a books from the Archives. What I learned immediately and from a couple of sources is that if the Ascendant falls anywhere from 0–3 or 27–30 degrees then the chart is not ready yet. Hilariously, my Ascendant was on the 0 degree and 30 minute mark of the chart. Basically, the gods are saying “be patient”.

There are more rules that could make this chart readable for me, but I do find it really funny that I was immediately shot down. I live for these kinds of moments. The moments where I feel that the universe is speaking to me. When we close our eyes and listen, we start to hear whispers from within. Whether they are ancient ancestors or souls that stay around to help guide us, we can never be certain. I am not of the mindset that these are just voices inside my head. There is a different feeling associated with my mental rambling, one that causes anxiety and defeat. When I am visited by my angels, guides, or spirits, I’m always left with a feeling of gratitude and sometimes even come away laughing (like today).

Times like these (when I am feeling like I am in limbo), I occupy myself with busy work. It used to be searching for Master’s Degree programs and finding out their pre-requisites. I also used to job search all the time with online resources. For a brief period, I used my time to scroll through houses I couldn’t afford. It gets tiring though. It is overwhelming but at the same time it is always exciting. Maybe that is the part of it to which I get addicted: the thrill of experience in my mind’s eye. These searches allow me to see myself in a new place, a new job, or a new home. They complete the picture of my future, even if they are not really what the future holds. They satisfy me enough to motivate me to keep going.

How else can I balance the drive to continue to push forward in life with the desire I have to enjoy time with my family. In truth, its not easy to enjoy time with my family. They sacrifice themselves to each other until everyone is grumpy. Or maybe that is just me. See this is the issue. Why do I feel like it is a sacrifice to remain in my family unit? I don’t feel like I belong in this place where they live. None of these people are like me and I have to change the way I talk to even get by here. I can’t talk to people about spirituality or astrology and definitely not about philosophy. People here care about practical shit and I get it but I just really fucking don’t. I’ve never had much luck with the material life. I grew up in two single-wide trailers puzzled together on nine acres of land. To me, outside is a magical world of imagination and beauty, where wealth is fake bullshit. Well, I’m off to a lovely start this morning aren’t I?

It’s okay to feel this cynical feeling but I feel it more often than I’d like. I became aware of it more when we took my neice and nephew to play mini golf. My nephew is ultra competitive and was having trouble keeping his cool. He was hitting the ball too hard then getting frustrated and then hitting it too hard again. His sister, on the other hand, was everyone’s cheerleader. She told me multiple times that she hoped he got it in on the first try. I saw before me, two ways I could feel about life. I could be a bad sport like my nephew, who would get even more upset when other people would make the par shot, or I could be like my niece who was partying and having a good time the whole way through 18 holes.

Finally, I’d had enough of my nephew’s bad attitude and I told him “I’m done scolding you for your bad sportsmanship, you can have a bad time on your own but we are going to have a good time over here!” Now, admittedly, I felt bad for doing that because his sweet little face went from anger and rage to loneliness and exile. But it didn’t take long (after we stopped taking score) for him to change his behavior. He actually even made par shots on the next two holes! It’s amazing how our attitude can change things like that so quickly. When the objective became “let’s have fun!” instead of “let’s see who can get the best shot!”, we all had more fun.

I feel this way about my prayers for admission into Ralston College. There is a part of me that is desperate for that to be my ticket out. Its something I really want that would be a good enough excuse to leave my dad’s taxidermy business behind. I have more of an issue working along side him than I’ve been honest about. My parents both carry other peoples stress and I try to take that load off of them by handling the things they should be stressing about for themselves. Instead of going out and having fun with people my age, I report home and to work and maybe I have a cigarette somewhere in between. I’ve depleted my savings and I am getting to the point where I have to figure out how else I will make money. I can’t work with my dad more hours in a week because I can’t handle the stress. I really can’t. It isn’t good for my body I can feel it.

I’ve found myself in moments of thought where I act like my nephew when he was not doing well in mini golf. I find myself wondering if other people will be better than me and will get admitted into the program. There is a hint of disdain for anyone that might. For me, such an opportunity would be life changing and for some that apply, I know they could get some fellowship at any college of their choice. Part of me feels hopeless about that. I am $50,000 deep in student loan debt even though I could’ve had college paid for if I had gone to my local college instead of trying to do online school in the early 2000s. This feeling of desperation leads me to a frantic feeling of rushing around for nothing.

Staying in Florida makes me want to get high and/or smoke cigarettes. Its not really boredom, its hopelessness. This place makes me feel defeated. I live in a camper and sometimes I just want to retreat and go to sleep. I know I can do more than this. I know my life could’ve been more than this. I had money in savings, I had benefits with my corporate job. Now here I sit doing the things that are morally good and sometimes I like that, but most of the time I feel blue about it. How will I ever find a life partner in this hole? How can I be myself under the nose of my parents?

Rephrase: Not living up to my fullest potential makes me want to get high and/or smoke cigarettes. Its not really boredom, its lack of motivation. This mindset makes me feel defeated. I live in a camper and I stay there, despite having plenty of other places to explore here. I know I can do more than this. I know my life could be more than this. I will attract money and I will live in such a way that benefits me. I will do what’s morally good and part of that means serving my own self before others so that I am not pouring from an empty glass. I will find myself in this hole. I will show my family who I truly am and not just who they want me to be or who I think they want me to be.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store