Her name was Poppy Annabelle.
Hello World. My name is Katie and I’m starting this blog as a means to help me (and hopefully others) deal with the raw emotions of grief. On Monday, October 26, 2015, I gave birth to my first born child, Poppy Annabelle. She was stillborn. Her heart had inexplicably stopped beating at some point after our last prenatal appointment only days before. I went into labor naturally on her due date. We were ready to meet our beautiful child, but death took her away before we got the chance.
It’s been seven months since Poppy died. In these seven long months I feel like I’ve lost myself. Loss of motherhood. Loss of child. Loss of identity. Loss of dreams. Everything seemed so certain, and then it wasn’t. My husband, Eli, and I are on a healing path together and I know he’d agree we are deeply bonded by our love for one another; however, my individual journey with this grief has taken me to the darkest recesses of my mind and I have felt buried under the loneliness and sorrow.
My journey with grief is certainly unique to me, but what isn’t unique is my vulnerability, my desire to move through this experience with grace, and my hope that somehow my daughter’s life was not in vain. We all suffer loss in this life — whether that’s loss of a child, lover, parent, friend, health, the list goes on. We don’t suffer alone. And we don’t have to be slaves to the madness our minds would have us believe. I believe there is more than what my mind tells me. My higher self is aching to exist. I was prepared to give my infant child everything, to protect Poppy’s life as my own. Now I am the infant. The woman who existed before my daughter died is gone. I am but a seven-month old, waking up to this “new normal,” reaching out and crying for help. Now I need to be nurtured and nursed and held.
Suffering deep loss is a given part of the human condition. How we let those losses shape us is the real adventure. My mind has not been my friend these past months. Adding insult to injury, I beat myself up with where I “should be” emotionally and how I “should be” handling this situation. No one expects more of me than myself. I am so tired of being hard on myself. This blog is going to be an exploration of grief and how this tragic experience integrates into my body, mind, and spirit. I am committed to becoming friends with my mind all the while honoring the beautiful spirit that my daughter was and forever will be. I hope you’ll join me.
