How to help someone going through chemo
Shout out to my parents who just picked up the boys and took them to see a movie and are funding the software I use to write (more posts to come!). When I announced my diagnosis so many people were right there to support us. Our experience has been significantly improved because of the sometimes small actions of the people around us. We often get the questions “how can I help?” and “what do you need?”. Those questions, while good-intentioned, make me feel like I am on a plane crashing towards the ground and the person beside me is asking “what can I do for you?”. In both scenarios I either have no idea or don’t want to make the huge request that is needed. For those asking and being asked, I hope this post helps.
Meal train
I didn’t know this was a “thing”, but it has made possibly the biggest difference for my family and I. Because I can help so little around the house, all of the cooking and cleaning is now on my husband’s shoulders. On any given night he is taking care of me, helping with homework and making sure the dogs don’t eat the couch. People volunteering to bring one meal, even for the first few months, took a huge weight right off our shoulders. There are a few options out there, but my coworkers used Mealtrain and it was fabulous. Just be sure to check with your family and see what restrictions apply. For instance, most people don’t realize that chemo patients can’t eat raw vegetables and many don’t eat food from restaurants.
Can’t cook? Snacks of every kind and grocery store gift cards are amazing.
Gift cards
Specifically, gift cards for local grocery stores (this one is HUGE), pharmacies, Amazon and Target are amazing. Cancer means completely changing your life, and most people don’t have everything needed for the adjustment. On top of medical expenses and a cut in income, you suddenly need things on a weekly basis that you didn’t before.
Because of the financial strain, all retail therapy is most likely out of the question. Even small gift cards for your friend or loved one’s favorite stores can mean a little pick-me-up on a hard day. Entertainment gift cards are also awesome — a lot of chemo patients can’t leave the house much during their treatments and would love a new show or game to focus on while they spend months at home.
Lotion and Chapstick
So it’s not “Sephora fun” but these two things are key. The best lotion (based on experience and doctor recommendations) is Eucerin Daily Moisturizer. With chemo, normal dry skin can lead to painful blisters. This means I put lotion on sometimes 5–6 times a day just to keep from feeling like I have paper cuts all over my hands.
The Body Shop Aloe Butter is another must-have for anyone on chemo. Another cancer patient gave this to me, and now I am passing along the recommendation. Chemo damages your nails and can even make them fall off, but this stuff has thus far been my nails’ own guardian angel. I have all my nails and they never even got dark or brittle. Both of these lotions are unscented, which is huge.
As for chapstick, there are two contenders. For days just after chemo, when nausea and smells are more intense, I go for Aquaphor Lip Repair. It’s unscented and has thus far prevented my lips from practically falling off like my first rounds of chemo. When I can tolerate smells again I go for Burt’s Bees. It’s nice to have lips.
Paper Towels, Hand Sanitizer
Again, not super fun but so helpful. Because chemo knocks out the immune system, patients aren’t supposed to use towels more than once. It also means lots of hand washing and sanitizing. With lower energy and strength levels or nausea, you can fight to do a ton of laundry or you can go with paper towels for a few months. Select-a-size is totally the way to go.
Hand sanitizers (the less scented the better) are now my family’s new best friend. We have them at every entrance, in cars and in pockets. Before cancer I was of the “germs make you stronger mindset” but now those germs can kill me, so we have to wipe them all out at every opportunity.
Silly gifts and cards
Coloring books, a unicorn horn for my cat, a physical Cancer Card, a handmade cancer voodoo doll, glittery kitten cards…these are some of the great things friends and family have given me over the past few months and they have made me so happy. I have a stack of cards that I read to cheer me up and little figurines on my bedside table. Because most patients can’t leave the house, it’s nice to be reminded that you aren’t alone in this whole thing.
Gifts for spouses and children are also great. Their lives have been flipped upside down and they could use just as much support and distraction.
Other ways to help
Offer don’t ask: Instead of asking your friend to make a decision or request, make an offering. Instead of “do you need anything from the store” ask “what kind of paper towels do you prefer?” or “I’d like to pick up some snacks for you, what sounds good right now?”. Instead of “do you need anything”, send a gift card (even $5 helps).
Check in: Most people don’t know what to say, and that is ok. Most of the time I don’t know what you should say, either. Just hearing from people “on the outside” can be so nice. Knowing that I haven’t been forgotten while I have been locked away in my house for months is comforting. Things that are good to say include “how are you?”, “I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi” and “I’m here if you need anything”. If you don’t hear back, don’t take it personally. Your friend probably really appreciates the message and is either in a chemo fog or not feeling well enough to respond just yet.
Offer to help around the house: When I was diagnosed we were right in the middle of several home renovation projects that came to a screeching halt. Because of the help of friends we were able to clear out our flooded basement, get rid of the waste, and move our furniture. With the help of my parents we were able to install a new door and finish a first floor bathroom, which meant fewer trips up and down stairs for me. Not everyone will have such extreme situations, but there are always little projects around the house and yard that a family might need help with.
Follow through: If you say you are going to stop by or do something, really do it. The family has probably made plans based on what you said.
