How to Recover From Any Loss
There is a lie we often tell people who are going through a crisis for an extended period of time:
“Time heals all wounds”
What a sham. A broken bone treated with only time is a disaster. An untouched emotional scar leads to shame, embarrassment, overcompensation, or a million other characteristics we file under the label of “Issues.”
I bet you can think of someone right now who is still carrying scars of a tragedy long passed. You likely know another person who managed to move on from a similar crisis.
Any loss, no matter the size or impact or medium, requires recovery. Time is a form of that, but never the only antidote.
Here are a few ways I have recovered, from both personal and professional tragedy.
#1 DO NOTHING
This item gets all caps.
In America, doing nothing might be the bravest choice. At many corporate jobs, the allowance for bereavement is one day. Bury grandma, sure, but make sure you’re back on Thursday to handle these spreadsheets.
Many high-emotion decisions are bad ones. I don’t have a statistic to back this up. My information comes from experience, from watching families say things they don’t mean and poor investments being made trying to immediately overcorrect.
Doing nothing allows the tunnel vision to clear. You are able to see more of the world. Then, and only then, get back to:
#2 “Poli, poli”
Which are the words uttered to Andrew McCarthy (yes, that Andrew McCarthy) by his guide before they began their ascent up Mount Kilimanjaro.
It means “slowly, slowly.”
If McCarthy’s group moved too fast, given the oxygen deprivation and enormous physical stress which were about to occur, they would have to be transported to the bottom of the mountain, where their only choice would be to start all over (months or years later).
When your confidence is damaged, it often takes little wins to return to the place you once were. “Little wins” does not mean “I’m slowly dipping my toe back into the same atmosphere which lead to the disaster!”
It means this:
One day, you question your assumptions about everything. You have been broken physically or emotionally for a reason.
The next day, you get out of bed. Yay!
And then maybe a week later, you can walk around like a normal human being.
Soon, you might have a conversation without crying.
Big loss leaves a big crater. Big craters require a slow and steady pace to climb out.
Slowly, slowly. Poli, poli.
#3 Remember Your Why (or create a new one)
If you just thought of Simon Sinek, that is because the man has managed to tie his entire brand to one word.
(Which is pretty impressive).
This advice — you have to have a WHY — is bandied around so much it’s almost cliche. Instead of using words to try and explain its importance, here’s a graph:
#4 Strength of Others
Last week, I became the last person on earth to watch the movie “Stand By Me,” the adaptation of Stephen King’s short story.
Four boys go on an adventure to find a dead body. Although there is plenty of calamity, very little of it matters because they are all there for each other.
“They are all there for each other.” Doesn’t that sound cheesy? Those words often poke holes in my twisted sense of independence. Sometimes I think the word means “do everything by myself.”
Wrong. Independence means “freedom of being dependent.”
This is an important distinction: You can depend on other people without being dependent on them. Actually, I’m starting to think it’s a necessity.
Pain is a little less heavy when you distribute the load.
#5 Fun
Looking back, I wonder just how much of my philosophy is based on personal interpretations of Calvin and Hobbes comics. Here’s one I probably will never forget:
Do you remember fun?
It’s that thing you used to have before every day became an endless grind. Fun is the playful offshoot of “flow,” the state we enter when time has no meaning and we are completely immersed in the work we are doing/game we are playing/conversation we are having.
Here is a starter’s guide to fun (in case you’ve forgotten):
- Find an activity with no quantifiable outcome
- Engage in that activity
- Feel guilty for a few minutes (stop that)
- Continue the activity until a strange feeling hits your nervous system (this is called “glee”)
- Revel in the glee as long as necessary, possibly several hours
- Think about this experience every single day for a week
- Remember the world is not so bad after all
#6 The Phoenix
I died last night. I will die again when I go to bed this evening.
Each day is an act of rejuvenation. Today You does not have to carry the resentment of Yesterday You. Recycle the pain from your old body. Bitterness is gone. Hatred is gone. Fear is gone. Today the only day you get to live. Tonight you go up in flames.
How do you come out of the fire stronger? New input. New ideas. New output.
New input — gives you a fresh perspective on life. It’s useful to obliterate your worldview at least once per day.
New ideas — helps you contrast your new input with your old pain. This creates new interests and talents. How do you fit into the new world? What does your gut tell you? Why do you matter?
(Because you do matter)
New output — it is impossible not to generate new output if you are focused on new input. 2 + 2 = 4, but 3+ 3 = 6. Nothing is different about the operator in those equations. Only the input is different.
New ideas are what change addition to multiplication.
And once you start multiplying, it’s hard to be stopped.
Start Multiplying
If I talk about ideas a lot, it’s because they literally changed my life. Every time I come up with more ideas (or better ideas) life gets better.
Finally, I created a idea generation process and captured it in a free book — The Ultimate Guide to Infinite Ideas — which you can get for the price of an email address.
