How to Replace Bad Habits with Good Ones
As a leadership coach, by and large my clients hire me because they want to achieve something that they are unable to do on their own. Through coaching, we relax the constraints and limitations, as well as introduce new ways of being and acting, and an accountability structure. The work is generally sufficient to achieve my client’s commitments.
There is one exception: habits.
In 15 years of coaching, I have come to realize that recurring bad habits cannot be broken by commitment and willpower alone. Unfortunately, that is what most people arm themselves with, which is why most fail. While deep coaching can really support getting to the source of your bad habits, in this article I give ten tips to help you develop new behaviors.
1. Get a “Panda”
One day my toddler was holding my car keys hostage and we were already late. My challenge was to get the keys without instigating a massive tantrum (saying no and taking the keys). So I picked up a stuffed panda and started enthusiastically playing with it. My toddler dropped the keys and took the panda. I instantly realized adults aren’t much different — we need our own version of a “panda”.
Your brain does not like “no” any more than a toddler. Give your brain a sufficient alternative to say “yes” to — a panda. When giving up coffee, tea wasn’t doing the trick. I had to do my research and find a rich, bold morning beverage to really satisfy me.
2. Keep a Short-Term Focus
New Year’s Resolutions have an enormous failure rate. One of the reasons is because the goal is for an entire year. Long-term goals, when it comes to recurring pesky habits (like choosing sugary carbs in the afternoon instead of a walk or an apple) will not work. Focus on whatever you can authentically commit to. Do it for 1 hour or for 1 morning, or for 1 day. Even a week is too much for many people in the beginning. Just one day (or hour) at a time.
3. Bet on Yourself
Place a big bet on yourself. Groups or organizations committed to “cleaning up their language” sometimes agree to put $1 in a jar every time they use scatological language. This is a great idea; however, $1 may not be painful enough to really change a habit — $100 might be. Find someone that will hold you accountable and let them know that if you don’t go to the gym today, they are to collect $100 from you. Whatever the amount, ensure it is an amount that would be painful enough to pay that you will do what you say you will do.
4. Create Process Goals, not Outcome Goals
Most of us create outcome goals, like “I want to lose 10 lbs in 2 months”. These don’t work as well as process goals which are goals inside of your everyday process or routine. For example, having a goal of drinking one glass of sparkling water with lemon before each and every alcoholic beverage, or taking a walk around the block and drinking a glass of water before ordering another café latte.
5. Do it Consciously
Whatever you do, be aware of what you are doing. Most of our recurring pesky habits are automatic unconscious behaviors — we just wake up and do it. One client told me that she could be halfway through a bag of potato chips before she “woke up” to the fact she was even eating in the first place. Fine if you want to smoke, just do it 100%. Don’t do anything else but smoke — and be aware of where the smoke is going — through your respiratory system. Try to notice when the nicotine hits your brain — be aware of what is happening.
When your brain likes something, it releases happy chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. This makes your brain say, “do it again”. This is what makes it so difficult to overcome serious addictions, and lets face it, many of our habits are truly addictions. Just seeing a Starbucks sign would be enough for my glands to release saliva like Pavlov’s dogs. Ordering the coffee and taking in the first three sips was dopamine heaven. Then, as I started to bring awareness to how my third latte of the day made my body feel, I realized I didn’t even really want the coffee. I had created a neuronal super-highway, a conditioned response: see a Starbucks sign, order coffee. I was on auto-pilot.
Also, notice the cravings before your habit. Notice the saliva building, where do you feel the craving? Is it in your mouth, your chest? What thought patterns enter your brain? When does your body jump up and begin enacting your habit? Does the pleasure come right before the action or after the action? What we are unaware of we have no dominion over. The more awareness we can bring to our default patterns, the more deliberate choice we will have over our actions.
6. Be Aware of the Vulnerable Times
We have a set amount of willpower, and when we are emotionally, physically or cognitively exhausted, our willpower reserves are depleted. When you go down to sleep at night, you can be 100% resolved to be a nicer person to your spouse. However, after a long day at work, when you are emotionally, physically, or cognitively exhausted, you just don’t have enough willpower to refrain from snappy statements. When you know you will be exhausted or when you find you are exhausted, put in a structure to support yourself.
I bought a $200 Nespresso Machine and a $150 milk frothier two months before I chose to lay off the coffee. I have not yet gotten rid of the machine because I spent so much money on it. The mornings after a lack of sleep are my vulnerable times, so I cover my Nespresso Machine and put out my French Press the night before with some Yerba Mate ready to go (my Panda). This structure along with my process goal of finishing my entire French Press of Yerba Mate before having coffee helps me stave off the morning crave.
7. Get an Accountabili-buddy
Be accountable to someone. Report fully what happened or what didn’t happen. Do not allow yourself to hide out. If you succumbed to office gossip three times in one day and only avoided it once, report the results to your accountability buddy promptly. Simply stating the score and not hiding out to someone else helps keep you aware of your progress.
8. Make a Reward Chart
Another one I have learned from my toddler. In the midst of potty training, I’m grateful for whoever came up with the “potty chart”. Each successful potty event gets a sticker and x number of stickers earns a reward. Yes, we too can make our own reward charts. Choose your panda over your bad habit five times in a row and get a reward. Rewards should be truly rewarding (something you want), and they should reinforce the new habit rather than enabling the old. For example, choosing the gym five times maybe earns you a new iTunes album rather than a chocolate chip scone.
9. Create Your Compelling Motive
Your motive matters. Going to the gym because it is good for you is unlikely to get you up at 5am. Having a beach body might do it for some, but others will have to dig deep inside them to find their compelling motive — what really matters to them. This is where long-term goals can come into play — a study with West Point cadets showed that the cadets who had a deep internal motive about serving their country performed much better than cadets who had more external or instrumental motives such as getting a free education or going to an impressive school for the resume.
10. Do 300–3,000 Repetitions
This summer I took a course that worked on the embodiment of leadership. I learned it takes 300 repetitions to embody something new, and it takes 3,000 repetitions to master it. Think about this — 300 repetitions of choosing peace over gossip before you really embody it, 300 repetitions of choosing water over soda, 300 repetitions of pausing before reacting, etc. That is a lot of repetitions. Many people declare victory too early, and as soon as they relax their focus, the old pattern rears its ugly head.
Habits are tough to break, and going at it alone makes it even more challenging. If you are truly committed to breaking through an old habit, know that you are not alone in your quest. It won’t be easy, so wait until you are truly ready to commit, and set yourself up for success by following these ten tips.
Kari Granger is an executive coach who works with leaders to powerfully leverage their platforms in life to make a bold impact in the world. Her clients are people who are authentically driven towards their own evolution in service of making great things happen in their lifetime. Website: karigranger.com
