So, This Is Why I Need Boundaries…
What happened in my boundary-less life
“Kiss my feet, and call me Master,” he said.
“Yes, Master,” I replied, kneeling on the floor.
And I get sick when I think about it, I kissed both of my brother’s ugly feet.
Even at age 7, I was a people pleaser. I had no idea what boundaries were, or that I needed them.
Now that I’m an adult… I’m still learning about boundaries.
So, what happens when we don’t have boundaries?
1) We don’t respect others
The coast was clear. He was gone for a while and I could sneak into his room in our basement.
I would touch the clay head that held burning incense, play the Casio keyboard, or watch his computer screen saver — the Window’s ’95 pipes.
After he came back, sometimes I’d hear him yell, “Mom! She was in my room again touching my stuff!”
In my mind, as long as I put things back where they were, it was like I had never been there. But eventually, I learned I was wrong.
If we touch another person’s property without their permission, we aren’t respecting them, and we are crossing a boundary.
Which reminds me of that time I wanted to kill my dad.
“Hey Jess, come down to the basement, I want to show you something.”
My dad led me to the easel, and on it sat a painting. That was funny, it looked the same size as the painting I had been working on, but the colors were different.
He hesitated and then said, “I painted over your painting.”
And then without missing a beat, he added, “Because I want you to keep painting….I don’t want you to stop. Do another one.”
I stood there, frozen, starring at the canvas in disbelief.
“YOU PAINTED OVER MY PAINTING???” I finally yelled.
When he saw I was upset, he led me to one of his own paintings in the studio.
“Here, I want you to stab a hole through this.”
Did I do it? No. I walked away. What he did was wrong, but I wasn’t going to destroy something of his to get even. Although at that moment, it would’ve felt kind of good…
It took a LONG time before I could trust my dad around my art.
We have boundaries around our things, and we have boundaries around ourselves.
“Our first boundary line is our skin.” -Dr. Henry Cloud
I have an invisible bubble around myself — we all do. Sometimes I wish my bubble was real, so no one would come close. Like one day, when a friend popped mine.
My youth group was about to start a game of broom ball, when suddenly I felt something heavy on my back. It was Jake.
“Get off of me!” I yelled, as he laughed.
I don’t remember if the youth leader was there or not. No one came to my defense. It was the first time anyone heard me yell.
Sometimes we let our guard down. And that’s when the other person could choose to cross a line.
Jake seemed to like to aggravate me. You do not throw a person into the air. It’s just wrong.
2) We don’t respect ourselves
“Jessica, how do you put a blonde in suspense?”
“I don’t know. How?”
….silence…. 😕
“How? Would you just tell me?”
Yeah, I still remember those “blonde jokes” my friends would tell me. And I wasn’t even blonde. They seemed to like the fact that I didn’t catch on to jokes as fast as they did.
So they would laugh, and I’d stand there wanting to just disappear.
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
You get what you tolerate.-Dr. Henry Cloud
And if it wasn’t jokes, it was comments about my thin figure. Church potlucks were the worst.
Scooping a piece of casserole onto my plate, suddenly I’d hear, “Put some more meat on those bones.” I’d smile back politely, but inside, I could feel my anger rising.
What gives a person the right to tell someone how to eat, or make any comments about their size?
They didn’t mean any harm, I tried telling myself. But I didn’t believe me.
And if it was an adult who made the comment, somehow it hurt even more. After all, how could I stand up to someone who was older than I was?
I didn’t respect myself enough to say, “Stop”
so people kept saying things that hurt me.
Years later, I’m still learning how to express myself. If I don’t, the person doesn’t know it bothered me, and they might do it again.
When I care more about someone else’s feelings than my own, I’m not caring for myself.
3) We keep getting hurt
While talking to a friend on the phone, she put me down and laughed.
Her words cut deep into me, like an arrow.
I was shocked. But instead of saying “Ouch, that hurt,” I responded nonchalantly. Sometimes lying is easier.
When I hung up, I panicked. What if she’s right? And then I cried.
I’ve tried to shrug things off, to make myself seem strong. But it doesn’t work.
Doesn’t everyone tell you to get thick skin? How do you do that?
If we don’t learn to deal with the things people say, we could become resentful. And then we wear fake smiles…
Don’t be fooled when you look at me,
things are not as they seem to be.
The smile I put on carefully
does not reflect the inner me.
It cannot hide the pain inside.
So don’t be fooled when you look at me.
So I’m working on saying “No” to things I don’t want, and saying “Ouch” when someone hurts me. I’m not perfect at it…but I’m getting better.
But I do know one thing for sure:
I’ll never kiss anyone’s feet again!
What about you?
Do you let others know when they hurt you?
Share a time someone crossed one of your boundaries.
I’d love to hear from you.
Writing is just one thing I do.
If I’m not behind my camera, I’m probably messing with charcoal or paint.
Join my email list to hear about my upcoming art shows and projects. You’ll also get to see my 1-minute time lapse of this charcoal drawing below, Followed.
Want to see more of my art? Check out my Website.
