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The 3 Secrets to an Extraordinary Life

A simple code to captivate people and become your best.

Seven years ago, I packed everything I owned into a silver Hyundai Sonata, and left my hometown of Buffalo, New York for the warm sun and unknown possibilities of Austin, Texas. I was scared to death.

Back then, I was a creature of habit and comfort. I made (mostly) safe decisions. I did not live intentionally. I was making a $30K salary working remotely, as an project manager for a boutique creative agency that specialized in making very pretty PowerPoints. I used MS Excel a lot. I would still do that in my new digs for a while, but I at least had a chance to branch out if I wanted. I wanted to play music, and explore the world beyond the cold, gray confines of my youth. I wanted to meet interesting people from corners of the globe I’d yet to explore.

Austin— the Dubai of the West — is a city that’s really the first of its varietal in the US. It owes its meteoric rise to a collective belief among its myriad transplants that there exists a freedom haven where it’s possible to manifest an extraordinary life without ever having to grow up. I had hoped Austin — and her craft-beer-swilling, whiskey-shivering, cage-free chicken-chowing, stand-up-paddle-boarding, app-developing mass of creative cycling lumbersexual guitarring breakfast-taco addicts — would guide me toward what to be, who to become, and where to place my belief. That’s what I wanted, anyway.

At first, I found it tough sledding. I had a hard time meeting people. I had a hard time finding meaningful work. I had a hard time with hard liquor. I was lamenting my struggle and cursing my circumstance. I was crying and smashing my fists when a smile would suffice. I stopped believing in my talent and lost my passion. But soon I found solid ground — and then some.

I got a job as a writer at a large tech corporation with global reach — despite having never written nor worked at a corporation before.

I’ve played over 500 shows as a working musician, and cut an album as a singer-songwriter.

I’ve written millions of words on the Internet as a sports blogger, then a columnist, then a music critic, and then all these tiny pieces on Medium. They’ve been read by tens of millions of people. I even achieved my life goal of having a Sports Illustrated byline.

I started a freelance, referral-only business as a brand copywriter and strategist.

I’ve traveled around the country and met people around the world. I’ve hanged with celebrities and intellectuals. I’ve loved deeply.

I’ve run nine half-marathons and a full marathon. I’ve lost 40 pounds. (Twice.)

I’ve 10x’d my income. I paid off $50,000 in debt, and have accumulated a net worth that will allow me to retire to Western Europe or South America within the next 10 years.

I spend most of my days doing exactly what I want to do, in the city I want to do it in, and with the people I want to do it with. I learned to let life go where it leads. I learned to embrace the sweat of the grind. I learned to laugh when a smile simply won’t suffice. I learned to trust my passion and my believe in my talent. I learned to listen to what I had to offer the world, so the world would listen to what I had to offer it. And now I want to share with you what I think about every day to help me achieve it all and keep shining.

I call these the “3 Bees.” They’re the pillars of an extraordinary life. They’re things to strive for and things to adhere to. Let’s explore them. Let’s dive into the shallow end together and then open it up to let the sharks in.

Be good.

This is the contract you make with other people. When faced with decisions, it’s always best to err on the sides of empathy and integrity. These two traits in tandem allow you to think and act selflessly without losing your sense of self. How does this look? From The Atlantic in 2014:

Imagine you’re a kid with a cookie and a friend who has no cookie. What happens if you eat it all? Your friend will be upset. What happens if you give all of it away? Your friend will like you a lot. What if you give away half the cookie? Your friend will be just about as happy with you as if you gave him the whole thing. His satisfaction is a pretty flat line if you give anything more than half of the cookie. People judge actions that are on the selfish side of fairness. Maybe because we denigrate do-gooders, or because we’re skeptical of too much selflessness, the research shows that, as Epley put it, “It just doesn’t get any better than giving half of the cookie.”

Make and keep promises. Do what you say and say what you do. Call your friends and ask how they’re doing. Hug your kids. Pet your cat. Be a beacon of light in the heart of darkness. Be a bastion of warmth in a cold world. Tip the server 25% when she’s impossibly slow and may be going through an exhausting custody battle. Say “thank you” as often as you can. Hold a door. Lend a hand. Give generously. Smile when you say no. Kiss when you’re angry. Love unconditionally. Arrive on time. Leave early (and sober … sometimes). Let people tell their stories. Add value wherever your travels take you. Be wary of bullshitters. Never sacrifice your principles. Never hit on midnight. Fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Shake hands after Game 7. Be brave when fate hangs in the balance. Cultivate the traits of motivation, thoughtfulness and respectfulness. Solve humanity’s biggest challenges that you’re capable of solving well.

Be well.

This is the contract you make with yourself. When cultivating habits, it’s always best to err on the sides of health, wealth and happiness. These are three cornerstones to reducing stress and maximizing the number and quality of your years. How to do this? The book Blue Zones studied seven parts of the world where people lived unusually long lives. Author and researcher Dan Buettner identified nine key shared characteristics of their inhabitants that are the essential elements of wellness:

1. Moderate, regular physical activity.
2. Life purpose.
3. Stress reduction.
4. Moderate calories intake.
5. Plant-based diet.
6. Moderate alcohol intake, especially wine.
7. Engagement in spirituality or religion.
8. Engagement in family life.
9. Engagement in social life.

“Drink without getting drunk, Love without suffering jealousy. Eat without overindulging. Never argue. And once in a while, with great discretion, misbehave.”

Keep your act together. Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Feed your cat. Be a beacon of hope to the hopeless. Be a bastion of ass-kicking in a world full of assholes. Earn every dollar and watch every cent. Be the type of person who earns a “thank you” with effort and execution. Stare down a milkshake with the force of a thousand suns and select the salad. Drink more water. Go easy on the vices. Sleep early and often on a pillow-top bed. Cut the bottom 80% of people, memories or materials. Make your doctor proud and earn your boss’s respect. Take no bullshit. Run in the sun. Play in the rain.

Be interesting.

These are the loopholes in both contracts. These are the stories you tell to yourself and to the world. This is the “including moderation” out-clause of “everything in moderation, including moderation.” This is how you captivate people. How do you do this? By hanging your heart out to dry and breathing fresh air into your soul. By subverting expectations just enough to be noteworthy. From Vanessa Van Edwards, a researcher and charisma coach at The Science of People:

“If you are worried you are not interesting, your fear prevents you from trying interesting things, talking about interesting topics and engaging with interesting people.”

Take risks. Eat dishes you can’t pronounce from countries you’ve never visited. Then — visit those countries. Read. Write. Cook. Try. Be a builder. Be a creator. Be a maker. Wake up with the sun and stay up with the owls. Have a signature cocktail with more than two ingredients that’s not a “Long Island Iced Tea.” Tell longer stories with more curse words and stinging punchlines. Climb mountains. Take piano lessons. Wander. Color outside the lines. Learn a second (or third) language. Teach a class. Own your kink. Shoot the bullshit with strangers. Flirt with disaster, danger, dames, dimes, damsels and dashing, debonair divorcees. Give your heart away and get it tarnished into shards. Live every day like its both your first and your last. Struggle well. Master the art of the comeback. Venture outside your comfort zone as often as possible. Be brave for no reason whatsoever. And when you’re riding hot, always remember to #HeatCheck, then smile and shrug when the magic’s all out.

Be good. Be well. Be interesting.

These are the “bees” (yeah, yeah … I know … that extra “e” … you try typing the word “bes” and see if it doesn’t eat at you) to be every day, with every breath. Embrace them. Balance them. Say them to yourself. Grip them with the force of that superhuman strength of a precocious baby who hasn’t yet learned it’s own power. Laugh, cry and love with all your heart. Think. Feel. Explore. Sense. Watch. Listen. Breathe.

Then brush the brim of your cap and wink. You’ve found the freedom to live an extraordinary life without ever having to grow up.

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