The Things That Touch Our Soul

Today I found out a work collegued died unexpectantly while enjoying a family holiday. I didn’t know her that well, and only in a professional way. I hired her about 3 years ago and did a lot of her training. She had a beautiful soul, a beautiful spirit and she loved life.

I sat on my couch and cried for her, for her family, for her dogs that she has left behind. It has forced me to reflect on life, on those we love, I will give an extra hug to my children today in her name, in her memory.

It has made me wonder though, why the loss of this life has touched me so much. Please don’t read that and think I am diminishing her life, but I have seen death, I have held someones hand as they are dying, but at the end of the day I have come home and carried on. I am a nurse, and I suppose I am able to separate, to guard my own heart from making things personal, but I can’t seem to do that this time.

I feel almost guilty for feeling the way I feel. I did not know her well and it makes me uncomfotable that I feel the way I feel, like I should be able to remove myself from it. That I am taking grief away from others, that they have more rights over it than me, that they deserve it more…..

I remember when the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting occured. Of course all school shootings are unbearable to fathom, the loss of life, the senselessness of it. But when the Sandy Hook shooting occured I lost control of myself. I was in my very early 30’s at the time and I was home sick from work with a terrible cold. My youngest was in daycare and my oldest, who was the exact age of those that were killed, was in kindergarten in a school just down the street from my house, and I can still remember looking out my front window, tears streaming down my cheeks, straining to see the school, to make sure my baby was ok. My Mom had to come over…..I was that distraught. My eyes are blurred now just thinking about it! It makes my heart ache and it always will, it touched my soul and made it cry.

So why do some things cause these reactions in us? Why can we push some away while others cripple us? I don’t have an answer but I am grateful when it does touch me. I am grateful as it makes me feel human, it shows my humanity, it reminds me of what matters. My heart is aching for the loss these people have endured, for the family of my colleague.

I will remember my colleague when I look at nature as I know she loved it. Her loss will touch many lives, as senseless as it may seem but she will continue to have a great reach in the world.

If you enjoyed this please recommend, send me a comment or visit my other articles! Thanks