When We’ve Done All We Can

Our relationships can be so difficult sometimes. So complicated. So messy. So full of intense and painful emotions. So totally and completely gut wrenching.

And somewhere on the way to “happily ever after,” things spiraled out of control.

It became about money or property or possessions or pride or egos or the things other people might think. It became about something that was said or done, rather than what we felt or knew.

Words were twisted. Motivations were misconstrued.

Anger and fear replaced love and understanding.

At which point, people become estranged. People who used to talk every day stop speaking to each other. People who used to love start resenting. People who would do everything for each other at one point in time, won’t do anything for each other today.

From an objective standpoint, these fractures are heartbreaking. But they’re also real. They’re also something that countless people have experienced.

And sometimes in these situations, even when we’ve taken the time to cool off and realize that working to fix these fractures is worthwhile, there’s only so much we can do.

Because sometimes the person on the other side is unwilling to see past their anger and their pain and their fear. They replay the past over and over again without giving any thought to the present or future.

We can ask for forgiveness, but we can’t make someone else forgive. We can try to make amends, but making amends requires two people. We can make efforts to change, but we can’t make someone else see the change. We can try to make things right, but right is in the eye of the beholder.

So often, fear has taken over. Fear of being mistreated or taken advantage of or hurt. So often, ego’s and the past and the opinions of other people get in the way of reconciling.

And at this point, when we’ve run into a brick wall, we start looking for another way. A way to break through the stubbornness. We keep pushing. We tell them again and again why they should listen to us and move past whatever it was that happened.

But sometimes there is no other way.

Once we’ve made our feelings and intentions clear, once we’ve said that we want to try to fix things, once we’ve apologized or explained our side of the story, we’ve done all we can.

At this point, it’s up to the other person. And this is terrifying if for no other reason than the fact that we don’t have control over what happens next.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

You can lead a person to the truth but you can’t make them see the light.

And sometimes it’s the most agonizing thing in the world to know that we’re not in control. That someone else is deciding when to forgive or when the conversation can start again.

Though difficult, surrendering to this reality can save us. Because if we keep chasing and trying to fix something when the other person doesn’t want it to be fixed, we end up losing pieces of ourselves that we can never get back. We end up making things worse because we’re unable or unwilling to let the situation be.

It’s not giving up. It’s not being weak. It’s about understanding that we can only do so much. It’s about the fact that some things are simply out of our control. It’s about preserving our sanity and trying to maintain our faith that once we’ve done all we can, things will eventually settle in their rightful place.

And once we’ve communicated that we want to make things right, all we can do is wait for the other person.

There’s something bitter about waiting and surrendering to such an unpleasant reality. Something frustrating about feeling like we’re being reasonable and trying to do the right thing only to be rejected by someone who seems to be acting unreasonable.

But there’s a certain wisdom in knowing that we’ve done all we can. And although it’s scary and miserable, there’s also something comforting about knowing there’s nothing more we can do to make amends.

However the situation turns out, at least we’ll have that knowledge. It might be meager consolation, but sometimes, meager consolation is all this life affords us.