Healing personal trauma as the only way to end abuse

In light of ‘Surviving R.Kelly’ the documentary….and all the buzz it has caused, finally shedding light to the injustices the singer inflicted on his victims. There’s varied reactions all over social media all of which i must say…reveal the mental state of the person expressing them. Some are in support of R.Kelly, placing blame of the victims,… some empathise with the victim,…some acknowledge that R Kelly too was a victim therefor should be pardoned and well… some just don’t care. There are many more reactions that I don’t have time to express here. It is important to note that none of these people are wrong…they are all right, for their state of mind and level of healing they have managed to reach. As a result it became very important to me to bring to light the one thing everyone seems to be ignoring in this whole issue. Personal healing!. Personal healing as the missing link to putting an end to all kinds of abuse.

R.kelly is a victim of abuse who learnt toxic ways to deal with his pain. As a adult , who suffered childhood trauma, R.Kelly for reasons known to him, feared embarking on a journey to healing, or felt that was not an option available for him, so he went on to abuse others. A Classic case of abuse victim turned abuser.

Many may take this the wrong way but maybe it is time we stop regarding victims of abuse as just victims but also potential abusers. In this way maybe, just maybe we can offer a safe space for abuse victims to not only release the pain associated with their trauma but also to recognise all the other toxic ways they learnt as defense mechanisms or the norm during the abuse.

Sexually abused mothers, standing by and not doing anything as daughters are violated by males in the family

Elderly women who hated being treated as second class citezens enforcing the same patriarchal rules on younger women

Molested boys going on to be adults who molest teenagers

Boys who hated how their abusive fathers treated their mother and siblings but going onto to bemen who abuse their spouse and children

The examples are countless and it is important that we mention and acknowledge them so that victims of abuse know that society knows what happened to them was wrong. Sometimes people dont speak up beacuse the abuser had convinced them that the abuse was a normal thing that other people do in secret.

But it is not enough to acknowledge all the ways abusers can project their pain to their victims …the viciuos cycle we see in victim/abuser relationships metioned above can only be broken if both individuals (abuser & victim) involved in the “abuse” can start their healing journey. . Abuse is never the victims fault but the healing is definitely the victim’s RESPONSIBILITY . Taking responsibility for ones healing is a very crucial step…when the victim rejects the responsibilty to heal, they risk becoming the abuser or a bystander to abuse.

To those saying R.kelly was a victim therefore should be pardoned. Your compassion is valid but misses the bigger picture. If anything victims of abuse turned abusers should be jailed upon abusing their first victim. Jail offers the type of solitude necessary for self contemplation required in healing. There the hope is they will face themselves, rage on behalf of the violated child within. and eventually release the pain associated with that trauma. Only when this has taken place can they be integrated into society…in this way there’s less risk of them creating more victims and then potential abusers.

So to victims of abuse reading this.

The abuse was never your fault and your pain is in no way dismissed here, but that healing you have been postponing, do it now!. If you don’t know how to start. Ask : “how do I get started?”

It is only right that we a knowledge that it is highly impossible to grow up in a toxic environment and not absorb toxic trait.

It is also very important to note that there’s different levels to childhood trauma. On one end of the spectrum being … growing up in an environment where you were simply not listened to or given enough attention, the other end of the spectrum being physical, emotional and sexual abusive. At the end of the day we all need healing beacuse from experiencing such traumas as children we were also armed with toxic defense mechanism that if not checked and liad down in adult hood, we risk being a danger to others and ourselves.

I wish everyone the strength to take responsibility for their healing so we can all end abuse .

Love and light