The Romancers

By Claire Giangravé

Nate hates big city kids who dress up as zombies for Halloween. He was born in Boston but raised in northern Virginia. He wants to be a writer when he grows up. His novels would definitely not be about a brooding man who drinks whiskey or about Draculas.

Alicia Camden loves television, snacks and talking about sex. She grew up in southeastern Virginia with her single mom and two siblings. She hates it when Americans spell things the British way and, though she loves animals, she hates critters.

“Wait a minute,” says Nate Waggoner. “Between a cockroach and a praying mantis there is a lot that goes by. There are bugs where you go ‘ooooh!’ and there are bugs where you go ‘ewwww!’”

Alicia loves Nate. But just not romantically. At least, not anymore.

They sit close together on a bench overlooking a pond in Central Park in New York City. Between them lay crunchy and savory snacks. Behind them children and adults climb the rocks to get a better view of the blue skyline.

On the floor, a white cardboard that reads “FREE ROMANCE ADVICE” casually rests on their knees.

The two 27-year-olds started dating while they were both studying in Richmond, Virginia.

“We were pretty inseparable in college,” says Alicia. “But we knew that after we wanted to do different things. So we split.”

“Yeah… yeah. We are good now,” says Nate with a slight emphasis on the now.

So far, a girl had stopped by asking for advice on when to DTR, that is, when to “define the relationship”. Alicia and Nate tried to offer useful council for the girl and the slew of blondes at her side. Alicia veered the conversation to John Malkovich, since she has seen two of his movies recently.

“Did you notice that in his movies you are supposed of suspend your disbelief and believe that everyone around John Malkovich is so hot for him?” says Alicia, but the girls just stared at her and left hurriedly.

When their relationship ended, Nate moved to San Francisco for graduate school in narrative writing and Alicia stayed in Virginia, where she went on to work for non-profit organizations. They stayed in contact and decided to apply their shared interest in comedy by starting a podcast over Skype.

“We would get a ‘celebrity guest’,” says Alicia. “Like a friend or something, who played in a band.”

A young woman with bushy black hair and sharp features walks up to the bench. She talks about dating in her country, Mexico, and how ‘big’ the Tinder app is there. She has deleted the app since her Yoga teacher approached her through it.

“What? You don’t like your yoga teacher?” asks Alicia, who is the more outgoing of the two in conversation. “They tend to be fit…”

“I guess I don’t like men in tights,” jokes the hawkish-looking girl.

“That is where we are different, you and me!” says Alicia.

Alicia has a deep and humming laugh. Nate’s laugh is similar to the cry of a seagull and makes his body rock back and forth.

When they moved to New York they considered living together for half a second, but they decided against it. As Alicia puts it, it would just be too “sitcom-y”.

“I need some advice!” screams a tall black man walking toward them wearing a sleeveless shirt and rosaries around his neck. “He is crazy!” he adds, pointing at his partner, who stands embarrassingly a few feet away.

“Are you just gonna call him out in front of us?” asks Alicia with a nervous smile.

“He knows!” the man replies with a knowing glance. “I am dating this guy. And he is cute! But he gets mad, like really mad!”

Alicia takes a moment to answer. Her eyes sparkle as she rubs her hands together. “When you argue you have to take yourself out of it,” she finally says. “ Maybe you should take a step out and come back in 10 minutes.”

The crowd of young and curious people surrounding the small drama cheers, and the two angry lovers leave hand in hand.

Alicia and Nate admit that they have never really addressed their past relationship. Nate proposes that some day they should have a special podcast episode where they talk about it.

“Yeah,” says Alicia. “I have been putting it off for years. It makes me sad.”

“I went through a time when I was a bit of a baby about it,” admits Nate, lowering his head and placing his elbows on his thighs.

Their respective significant others are not jealous of their friendship. Alicia made it clear very early on with her current boyfriend, Justin. She told him straight out “my best friend is my ex-boyfriend. That needs to be OK.”

“On paper it’s weirder than it is,” adds Nate.

What looks like a young couple approaches the two sages. “Are you two dating?” Alicia immediately asks. The two visitors exchange embarrassed looks then shake their heads.

“Well, did you come to see him?” asks Alicia.

The girl timidly points at an older woman nearby. “That’s my mom.”

“So… you brought your mom to see him?” Alicia insists.

“No!” the girl shouts with a giggle.

The couple had met on Facebook and then continued on to Skype. They decided to see each other when she left Minnesota to visit New York.

“How old are you?” asks Alicia.

“Seventeen,” the girl replies.

Nate laughs. “Work on you, girl!” he says. “You have your whole life.”

This is the first time the duo sits at the park to offer romantic advice. Only their friends really listen to their podcasts, the exception being when they get questions from foreigners in broken English on Tumblr and Facebook.

Nate defines Alicia as sassy and sensitive. Alicia thinks Nate is funny and then draws a blank. She later adds that he is talented and clumsy.

A child with a bright yellow shirt walks by, points in their direction and gives them a sneering hoot.

“A kid just Nelsen Muntz-ed us,” Alicia says referring to the bully in The Simpsons.

They respond with their synched laugh.

Nate has had three serious girlfriends and is still dating the latest, Amanda. Alicia has had four serious boyfriends and has never had her heart broken.

“Is that true?” Nate asks, seemingly taken aback.

“Uhm, yes unfortunately. I have had a lot of unrequited love and disappointments,” Alicia answers. “I haven’t had a lot of passion.”

“Passion is overrated,” Nate says.

Alicia agrees and mentions how John Malkovich would probably say something broody and poetic in some bad German accent.

“I guess he is passionate!” says Nate.

Photos by the writer.