The Diary Of A Depressed College Student

1 in 4 college students have a mental health issue

September

I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I am anymore. I know there was a time before all of this but i can’t remember it. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’ve been working too hard.

I sleep, but when I wake up the nightmare continues. Is this my life now? I hide from everyone because I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t know where this came from, what it is, or how to get rid of it.

Is this what they call depression? It can’t be. I still go to class, eat with friends, and I even go to club meetings. That’s not what depressed people do. If I was depressed I’d be sitting around all day and staring at a wall or something. I’m still living life and doing what normal people do. It just feels less meaningful than it used to.

I don’t know how to tell people. What would I even tell them? I couldn’t explain it if I tried. I’ve thought about making an appointment with a counselor or something but what could they possibly do to help me? They wouldn’t understand anyway. And my friends definitely wouldn’t understand. I’ll just keep acting normal.

Sometimes it’s really hard to do schoolwork. It’s not that I’m sitting around trying to be lazy. It’s that I genuinely can’t see the point in what I’m doing anymore. Why am I even doing any of this stuff? What’s it all matter in the end anyway? When I can’t feel the meaning of the work I’m doing, it becomes much harder to do.

Other times, I do so much work that people must think I have my life together. The real reason I’m doing all that work is because it’s a good distraction from life. When I drown myself in work, I don’t have time to think about how messed up everything else is. It’s also a good way to hide from everyone. It’s the socially acceptable version of lying in my bed all day.

October

I’d stay in bed all day if I didn’t tell myself something motivational. “Today is a new day. It doesn’t have to be like yesterday”. That’s the usual lie I tell. I know it’s a lie because I told it to myself the last two weeks in a row, and I’m still saying it.

Eventually I do get off the bed, because if I stayed in much longer my roommates might ask if I’m okay. And that’s the last question I want to hear.

I hide in my room as much as possible. It’s not that I don’t care about my friends… It’s that I do care about them. I know that I’ll just bring them down with my negativity, so I keep my distance.

There are days when I hang out with friends and I’m actually happy. I think I’m getting better. But sooner or later my happiness fades away. There’s something inside of me saying, “You’re stepping up too much, time to knock you back down.”

I like distracting myself with other people’s lives. I start conversations with people whenever I get the chance. Hearing someone else’s story helps take my mind off the fact that my life is a mess.

November

Loneliness is one thing I can’t get rid of. It doesn’t matter how much people I have around me. When I’m in my room alone, it’s there. When I go out and I’m surrounded by people, it’s still there. It’s my constant companion. It’s like the rest of the world is happening and I’m just here watching it. I’m a ghost.

My friends are my greatest hope but also the biggest pain in my ass. Most times when they want to go out and do something, I don’t feel like doing it, but they won’t let me say no. No matter how hard I resist, I end up going out with them. I’m annoyed at them for dragging me out of my cave. But I’m grateful because I know that without them I’d be trapped in my room for a week. They aren’t always around, but I couldn’t survive without them.

What do other people think of my behavior? Do they think I don’t like them? Do they think I have something against them? Oh I wish I knew how to tell you all. I don’t have anything against you. I care about you, and that’s why I’ll never talk to you. You’ll probably leave the interaction worse off than when I met you. So the best thing that I can do for you is avoid you.

Eventually it becomes an endless cycle. You’re used to me never talking to you, so you never talk to me, so I never talk to you. It’s a shame. I overhear your conversations sometimes. I think we could’ve actually been friends if I wasn’t so messed up.

I joined so many clubs in an attempt to cure my loneliness, but I failed. No matter how friendly the rest of the group was, I didn’t feel like a part of it. They were all bonding while I was pretending to bond. I TRIED SO HARD. I put all my time into it. I did everything I could with them. But still nothing.

December

Going home for winter break is great. I get to hide from everyone back at school for a while. Maybe I might even get my shit together before I come back. I hide in my room hoping I’ll be magically cured, but nothing happens. I block out the friends I have back at home because I don’t want them to meet the worst version of me.

“You have all of eternity to be dead, so why not see how this plays out?”

I can’t fight this argument, and that’s why I’m still alive. Life may be terrible, but I’m guaranteed to die anyway, so there’s not much point in doing it myself. I might as well stay alive for now and see what happens. That’s the reason I don’t do it. Not because I don’t want to be “selfish”, but because things might actually be different tomorrow. And if they aren’t, well, the problem will solve itself in due time.

“Just get over it. Depression is a choice.”

I want to fight it. I actually want it to be gone. I just don’t know how. Part of me thinks it’s hopeless, but there must be some way out. Imagining the way out, however, is like trying to imagine a 4th dimension. I know it’s theoretically possible, but there’s no way I can visualize it.