Four steps to building sustainable negotiations

In the last 20 years I’ve done many bad negotiations, not just at work, but with myself. Here’s what I’ve learned.

Negotiation is part of life. You don’t need to be an expert or even like it — we all negotiate all the time, every day. Sometimes we trade with ourselves — “if I don’t put on makeup (or shave) before leaving home I can sleep another ten minutes”, “I’ll eat just one more candy and then I’ll run another mile on the treadmill”. Most of the time it’s with others, at work, in traffic, in a store, in a relationship.

You may have heard of win-win negotiations — where everyone gives in a little and everyone wins in the end. In win-win events everyone comes out somewhat happy, new future negotiations become possible and no one gets a feeling of loss or being passed over. But how do you get a win-win result? How sustainable, lasting discussions are built to deliver results now and in the future?

Know what you really want

First of all, you need to know what you want. Entering a negotiation without knowing where you want to go is asking to leave empty handed — or end up with something you didn’t even want. Who has never sat in front of the boss to ask for more time and left the conversation not only with the same deadline, but more work? Prepare yourself with clear objectives and all possible arguments to justify your request.

Define how far you are willing to give in

Once you know what you want, you need to define how far you are willing to give in — and be firm in your definition. Let’s say you took a closer look at a project details and realized that you need three more people to meet the agreed deadlines. What are the alternatives you’re willing to accept? Perhaps two additional people and a few more months for delivery. Maybe reduce features the product will have. An additional person and initial delivery of something simpler followed by incremental evolution can also work. Understand what you NEED — what is non-negotiable — and what you WOULD LIKE — that’s where you can have negotiating margin. Offer alternatives, set boundaries and be strong.

Trust your opponent (or not)

Having setting up what you want and where you want to go, the third step to successful negotiations is to establish a trusting relationship with your “opponent.” If you eat that candy, will you really run an extra mile later? If you buy this outfit, will you stop going out on the weekend to balance the bills? Commit and do it. When negotiating with a third party, you need to communicate a lot, and well, to build mutual trust. Listen to what the other has to say, understand their goals and needs, try to learn more about the history of those across the table — and believe yours instincts: trust your sixth sense to “sniff” for reliability. If the other party is not cooperating and does not show openness to negotiate constructively, abort the process and look for another negotiator or supplier.

Document what was agreed

Finally, in negotiations with third parties it is interesting to always have a written record of what has been agreed. If the trade is informal, with no signed contracts, an alternative is to register the topics through a simple email — something like “Just to formalize what we’ve talk, the main points of our meeting are as follows” serves as a reminder of what was agreed on and also as a document. While negotiating with yourself, a written reminder can also be powerful. Create lists on your mobile phone or use stickers for yourself so you don’t forget about it.

Know what you want, where you are willing to give in, and who to trust. Even the most complex negotiations become just a natural exercise in mutual understanding and dialogue with those steps. When intentions are clearly stated and the parties strive to build a positive understanding for all, sustainable conversations become possible — and lasting and constructive relationships are built together.