Being A Brown Woman And Body Positive!
When the world struggled to deal with the consequences of a global pandemic in 2020, many of us turned to Netflix to keep us distracted and sane. If you were Netflix and chilling during the first wave of the pandemic, there is no way you would have missed the show Indian Matchmaking. Maybe you even hate-watched it! It was an extremely problematic series that became wildly popular with memes flooding the internet. Indian Matchmaking was like a punch in the gut to many of us, not only because it was misogynistic, casteist and colourist, but also because it hit too close to home.
Throughout the series, the women were encouraged to fit a certain standard that the men found acceptable, which is the reality of countless south Asian women. While there was so much toxicity to unpack in that show, the blatant colourism and emphasis on having fair skin sparked a lot of debate. The show casually equated “fair” to be “desirable” or “marriage material” several times, and shamed a lot of women for being dark-skinned.
Now colourism and body shaming go hand-in-hand if you are from an Indian household. Are you even desi if you have not experienced body shaming by nosy aunties and uncles who you meet at a function? There is always that one aunty who will tell you, “Why have you gained so much weight? Go walking on your terrace every day!” or “Do you even eat? You look like you will get blown away by the wind”. And the most famous line “Kalyana vayasu aiduchu. Ippidi irrundha yaaru othupa?” (You are at an age to get married. If you look like this, who will marry you?)
In a typical Indian household, the end goal was always to “get settled” early (in other terms, get married) with someone from a reputable family. Every decision taken by the parents is to make sure their children can get married lavishly and respectably. Because of this, desi girls’ bodies face a lot of scrutiny from a very young age. Being fair, tall (but not “towering over the man”), thin (but not “sickly thin”) is the ideal body standard that everyone strives to achieve. If you don’t fit this blueprint, who will marry you?
I remember I was 17 when I went to a dentist to get braces for my teeth, and he said, “It is good to get it early. Some people come here in their late 20s to get one saying a lot of good matches are slipping away because the girl’s teeth are not perfectly aligned”. Women get rejected for very trivial things like their nose shape, height, acne, body hair, etc.
It is impossible to be the woman society wants us to be. And what we see in Indian media doesn’t make things any better. The girl who has a slim hourglass figure, porcelain skin, and dark flowy hair is always the one who finds love. The larger, shorter, darker girl is the heroine’s best friend who exists for comedic purposes. Her body becomes the subject of ridicule and laughter. The girl with dark skin, glasses, and unibrow gets a makeover and wins the hero’s heart. The second you switch on your TV, endless advertisements show a woman getting a job after applying whitening lotion or a girl nailing her dance audition after applying “underarm lightening roll-ons.” The ads are so pervasive, constantly telling us that we are undesirable; That we — with all our perfect imperfections and beautiful details — are not worthy of love, even from ourselves. Anywhere we turn, there is always a voice that seems to be telling us that we are not good enough. And before we know it, we start telling it ourselves. We internalize the idea that who we are is far away from perfect without realizing we are already perfect in every way.
Body image issues begin, accompanied by self-esteem issues. It leads to thoughts like, “will anyone love me if I look like this?”. This coupled with “kalyana vayasu aachu, yaaru ippidi irrundha othupa’’ leads to a lot of stress and anxiety about our bodies. Having an unhealthy relationship with our body can not only affect us mentally but also physically, potentially contributing to eating disorders and other issues.
It is an uphill struggle to love yourself when society constantly reminds you to change who you are, but it is definitely possible. Take it one day at a time! When you look into the mirror, focus on your beautiful smile that brightens the world, your perfect curves, stretch marks, and every single blemish, and spot that dots your body. Loving your body and being comfortable in it should be our end goal and certainly not marriageability. Although the body positivity movement has gained a lot of support and is snowballing, we are still a long way from accepting all bodies, colours and skin. It can only happen when we teach our children too, to be comfortable with their bodies.
Explain to your children that portrayals of bodies by the media are far from the truth and it perpetuates unrealistic body image. Teach them that eating is to keep the body healthy and exercising is to keep them fit and not to look a certain way. Set a positive example for them. Do not comment on their body and reassure them when they have doubts about it. Don’t shame other people for having a certain body type because your children will learn from you. Be comfortable with who you are and your kids will learn that too.
We are all at war with who we are and how we look. So always be kind with others and with yourself. People come in different shapes and sizes -they are all beautiful and so are you! Surround yourself with positive people. Compliment yourself every day — even if it’s a tiny one. And finally, be fearlessly unapologetic for being the badass woman that you are!
