06 May 2020 | An ‘Update’
Settled now at my “desk” (at the, what is it? bar-height countertop area that open kitchens sorta have?) with a homebrewed iced coffee (cause reasons…duh), and I’ve decided on something like an update, but instead of talking about my ruminations, I will simply show you.
There’s little to nothing to be said about what I’m up to these days except that I’ve been making a ton of shit. Typically, I feel guilty when I focus all of my energies on seemingly unproductive (because they do not make me any money) hobbies. I do not ever wish to make money from my hobbies. There are far better ways to make money. I also am not very fond of making a shit ton of money for someone else while they doll out a pittance to me for “my time.” No thank you. And all of this makes me wonder about the nature of work these days and why people love their jobs just oh so much. Yea, I get it…money. But again, there are better ways to make money than essentially being a paid slave. Employment could be so much more, so much else, so much liberty.
Anyhow, “the guy” came and replaced our refrigerator today. It’s been on a slow decline since about the beginning of Quarantine (for us). After lengthy updates about the status of the fridge, the fridge stopped keeping things cold yesterday, and so, a final email notification blasted into the webosphere, and then, we received a phone call yesterday afternoon and were notified that a replacement fridge would be installed tomorrow, BUT it’s from an apartment with the opposite layout, meaning the fridge door will open not into the kitchen. The “guy” had to actually confirm that this was okay with us. When I asked him why it would matter, he looked at me like I was crazy. “You’d be surprised,” he scoffed and then continued with a shake of the head, “the things people care about.” Obviously, I do not mind the eccentric nature of a fridge that doesn’t open the “right” way…especially if it’s a “thing” that people are really self-conscious about…ha!
I made a picnic blanket by repurposing an old quilt my aunt made me many years ago. She has a salvageable portion of the quilt with her so that she may add it to a new quilt. The picnic blanket turned out well, and we took it for an indoor spin (#StayHome) just in time for the new orders here (#SaferHome) that will allow for us to enjoy the outdoors for means other than exercise or commuting. Yay.
I’m pretty bored today, actually. I will get some sun for maybe an hour, a little later today, but in the meantime, I am literally burning time by “writing.” I’ve been very motivated to do things, physically. But the mental activity of reading and writing is simply beyond me right now. I cannot focus long enough to make any sense of anything I read, and I am not fond of the idea of writing. Nevertheless, I am doing it today, but like I said, only cause I’m finally hella bored.
I’ve also crocheted two little yoga tops, and I’m doing a May yoga challenge. But the picture taking is the thing that has really helped to keep me sane. My brother sent me a new camera for my birthday last year, and it took me a few months to figure out how it would fit into my life. I already have a number of cameras with which I am very comfortable, so the prospect of getting to know a new camera was annoying. I even went so far as to not use the wifi function out of spite for loving it the “old way.” Pathetic, I know. No matter, I set up the damn thing with all its features and started playing around with it in early March. It’s basically an appendage now. I have a prime lens attached to it, and I am using the shit out of the flash, which is giving my photos an excellent vintage sort of film quality. And since the body is so much lighter and smaller than Kenneth, I carry it around with me all the time, which means, I take a lot more pictures, in general.
We only recently moved into the apartment we are living in now, and then we’ve been quarantined inside it. I’ll admit that we made a good choice. This apartment has been incredibly comfortable, and I feel extremely grateful that we were able to move in when we did. It’s also been interesting to spend so much time in an apartment I truly enjoy.
I had to drop one of my prospective students. Another student whom I thought was done came to life and completed an incredible assignment. And so, plans for the biz and “school” have been halted dramatically as I have not been able to meet with anyone in person, and I’m an in-person kinda person. Basically, as soon as I stop seeing or speaking to you regularly, I just forget. Those most present in my life are the ones who get my attention. I am realizing (yea, I know, again, very pathetic) that I am a bit aloof, live mostly in my own world, and so, I pay really close attention to those in my proximity, those in my orbit. If you are not in my orbit, you basically have to enter my atmosphere to get my attention. Some people are really good at this. Others truly suck. Yes, I am a complete narcissist who never takes any time to think about anyone else. It’s all me. If you want or need me, how am I supposed to know unless you tell me?
I’m sure there’s more, but the length of this thing is probably enough. But life is really making me think about life these days, and how I’m also realizing that most people really do not do anything other than go to their jobs and “socialize” (party) with their “friends” (from high school). And I suppose that this is plenty for the every-person. Nobody needs to strive for anything more than mere survival. BUT if you are of the ilk wherein you’ve got this “life thing” down pretty well — like everyday living doesn’t break you down to your core every day (and you’re a little bit privileged) — consider more for yourself, for your life. And I’m beginning to understand that it’s the doing of things that is the challenge. How is it that you do? How do you do?, now has a completely different connotation and “meaning” for me, cray.
Anyway, no worries, if you are at a loss, stuck in this nightmare of wanting to DO but not knowing where to start or HOW to DO, then fear not! You’re a person, just like everyone else. The difference between you and those you see doing is that you just don’t. It’s really that simple. Whatever the reason is behind why you DO NOT DO matters very little because the hardcore Truth is that you DO NOT DO. And yea, sure, you can give yourself all sorts of excuses like, “It’s a pandemic,” “This is a crazy stressful time,” “Nobody should be expected to be productive when all hell’s breaking loose,” but the bottom-of-the-pit reality is that you just DO NOT DO. Some people are being productive during this time of great stress, and sure, you can cut yourself some slack, but this is also a huge opportunity. Those who see that the glass will be half full again are the ones busting their butts right now, pressing on despite The Virus, and they will also be very far ahead of those who “took a break” during this time. The choice is yours, every single fucking day…Get up and do or don’t. But don’t make those who do feel bad for doing. You’re the loser (again, if you’re healthy, a little rich, bored, and your life has little to no consequence and yet you continue to do nothing more than eat, shit and work) not doing anything, not putting yourself out there to be seen doing (and I don’t mean sharing on social media, obviously, they’re just video games), not allowing the world to see your creations, not existing in beautiful vulnerability for judgment, lacking ideas for a life well lived.