Do I Have a Story?
Every creative person experiences self-doubt almost 24/7. I don’t have any statistics to back that up but I’ve never met a creative person of any kind who didn’t doubt themselves on a regular basis.
At the beginning of this year, I was extremely optimistic about the writing I would accomplish. I pictured closing out 2014 with a book or two finished and maybe a steady blog presence. I discovered Medium about half-way through the year and immediately fell in love. I posted a few things that got more attention than anything I’d ever written(I actually felt like I was reaching people, which was nice) but then everything kinda fell apart. I forgot to post regularly. I lost interest in the entire idea of blogging. I couldn’t find the right topics. And this wasn’t just happening when it came to Medium. Every time I sat down to write, the words wouldn’t flow. I had no ideas. No story. No message. By this summer I began to ask myself this question:
Do I have a story?
I grew discouraged. And, to be honest, I was worried. I fell in love with writing when I was 8 years old and never looked back. Writing was Plan A, B, C, D, and all the other plans too. There was never a time where I thought “Well, if writing doesn’t work out, I think I’ll love this just as much.” No. That never happened. I do love other things, but writing was always my base, my starting point. When, this summer, I began to wonder if writing was really what I was supposed to be doing, fear crept in. My ideal future involved a writing career and without that, there was no future. In August, I reflected on the year. Three unfinished books and three posts on Medium, growing older by the day. Not much to account for. I was facing a crisis.
And then Taylor Swift decided to release a new song.
Taylor and I have a passionate relationship now but it wasn’t always that way. Back in my middle school and the majority of my high school days, Taylor and I did not get along. I was never a fan of country(still not, for that matter), and it was ‘cool’ to not like Taylor Swift. After 2 songs, I decided that was enough listening to base an opinion on and declared that I did NOT like Taylor Swift under ANY circumstances. I maintained this opinion from 7th grade to 8th grade and on through high school until my senior year.
And then Taylor Swift decided to release a new song.
Looking back, it seems like I was destined to fall in love with Taylor’s music eventually. I discovered The Civil Wars somewhere between my sophomore and junior year, which began in 2011, with the song Poison & Wine. That song became an instant favorite and I began listening to everything they had released up to that point.
I was also a fan of a mildly popular dystopian series called The Hunger Games which was becoming a movie, to be released in March of 2012. My junior was spent obssessing over the tiniest of details released about the movie. I have distinct memories of watching the first trailer with a group of my friends, at school, the moment it was released. I was even more excited when I found out The Civil Wars was contributing a song to the movie’s soundtrack. However, Taylor Swift was also involved in the song and that immediately caught my attention. I was wary of the song upon release but reminded myself to keep an open mind. It was The Civil Wars after all. I fell in love with the song upon first listen and with every listen, my opinion of Taylor softened.
2012 came, The Hunger Games was a huge success and Taylor was gearing up to release a new album in the fall. After Safe & Sound, I was more attentive to Taylor. I was curious about her new album, about whether I would like it or not.
When ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ was released that August it sparked excitement in all corners of the internet. The lead single was a bit unexpected, premiered by Taylor herself during a live-show. I can remember going online the day it was released and reading all the comments about it. Everyone seemed in love with the song. And what’s more, it was pop—a genre I will always unabashedly love and fight for until the day I die. I was a sucker for pop then and still am now. Taylor doing pop was definitely something I was interested in. I found a link for the song on Tumblr(of course) and gave it a listen.
And that was it. My opinion changed completely. From that point on, I couldn’t get enough of Taylor. I was there for every moment of Red’s release. Every promo single. Every picture. The album became the soundtrack for half of my senior year. All Too Well remains one of my favorite songs by Taylor, and of all time, maybe(thought it’s hard for me to make that kind of list). After Red, I listened to the rest of Taylor’s discography and realised what I was missing out on. She was the real deal. Sure, Taylor didn’t have the best voice but she made up for it in songwriting and general musicianship. It was clear to me that Taylor was a very smart artist in charge of her own career. She was genuine and everything she wrote came from a very real, personal place.
So jump to August of 2014. Taylor releases the first single off of her new album ‘1989'. The song is a catchy pop tune about ignoring hate and being yourself.
To me, the song was about freedom. Freedom to write what you want and create what you want and be what you want. After months of trying to write things that just weren’t me, I found freedom. And I found that freedom in the form of poetry, a writing style that I’d only written a few times, a loooonnnngggg time ago and one that I didn’t find particularly interesting. But after that day, I saw poetry in a new light. I closed my eyes and wrote the first words that came to mind and I didn’t care if they were written well or grammatically correct because they were what I felt in the moment.
That’s what I’ve discovered about poetry in the past few months:
it’s great for recording emotions as you feel them. I’ve found freedom in poetry that I haven’t found in prose yet. Writing poetry excites me in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. So I’m sticking with poetry for now and when I ask myself,
do I have a story?
The answer will be, without a doubt,
