MY GIFT, MY CURSE
FUNDIES DO NOT READ THIS
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Atheists….hello.
Welcome to the elite island nation of Rationalia. I have added you to this select Facebook group so that we might join our mighty minds against the rising tides of barbaric unreason online. If all goes well, and it will because nature and reason are with us, our group will be an island nation someday. I have added Rebecca to the group despite her mediocre intelligence because I require an attractive bride and because in our land that is freed from the irrational world we will solve the genetics of stupidity and my children can be engineered to be super-smart anyway.
Now to business: as you all know, my “REASON’s Greetings” winter solstice cards were a spectacular success within my own family this year, 100% being returned unopened because they couldn’t stand being confronted with their crippling logical errors again, thus completely proving my point. Failing to debate me is a critical instance of both the Dutch Milkman’s Fallacy and the Haggard Pie-Eating Piper’s Surprise, a common collapse among lesser intellectual lights.
I have just banned Joshua for not knowing about the Dutch Milkman’s Fallacy.
I wish to spread this success to you all, for my intelligence is a generous one. I have provided the cards in question for your personal use, on the condition that you cite me constantly during the process of enlightening your family. I have also provided you with pamphlets to be used in the case of the course and common assault of “god Bless You”.
Friends, the first time I heard such a curse I sprinted away with such zeal that I lost myself and fell hard on the floor of the mall, my spirit as crushed as the emergency Doritos in my pockets. As I lay there my ever-broadening mind made the leap across the abyss into the heads of the common cows that shuffled around me; I knew that some of them had lights of their own, hidden deep within the darkness of superstition, and that I could awaken their lights by ambushing them with facts and logic when they least expected it. Their guard would be down and I could finally reach them. I got up and brushed myself off, reflecting that the the Dorito dust in my pockets was made of the same stardust as my body, and I knew peace. I knew the time had come to demonstrate my singular sanity, and so I stood on a table in the food court and cried out “1+1=2! god Is Not Real!” over and over until I was brutally grabbed by what I’m sure were the religious police and violently escorted away from the mall’s discourse.
So now it stands to us, my lights, to share my ideas and bring my enlightenment to the world. In our future utopia all policy questions will be solved on the basis of reason and evidence, like the question of genocide. Should we massacre all subhumans who are not enlightened by my intelligence? The answer is a clear and unequivocal: maybe! The Scientific answer is to divide Rationalia into two groups, kill the subhumans in one group and spare them in another, then compare our results using logic and math. Which society has the greatest number of euphoria-units? We’ll just have to see!
I simply delighted to have you here with me; the life of a genius is a lonely one, especially when I have idiots like Darrel here who don’t solve differential equations for fun like I do. Rebecca, you may bestow your amorous attentions upon me immediately. The rest of you, get printing and talking; bring my word to world, to all who have ears to hear, for I guarantee that you will always, always remember the expression on their face when they hear the truth that you tell.
