The two sides of Father’s Day

For the last 7 Father’s Days I have been torn in two, wanting to ignore it all but not been able to.

I lost my dad in 2009 but I am now a dad myself, to 3 amazing children. The split in feelings come from missing someone so much the last thing you need is a reminder, but having to be there for my kids, who want to celebrate and give cards (more on my hate of cards if anyone asks me about Valentine’s Day).

I find myself every year thinking public displays of celebration, like Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, shouldn’t be so hard! Should they?

Grief is well documented, studied and debated but I don’t remember anyone ever saying it doesn’t stop. Reminders and anniversaries are the worst. Every year these specific dates come around and they spark the mourning process again, and yes I know ‘time is a great healer’ but I have found only because time gives you the experience of what this feels like and how to cope with it and ultimately (mainly on Father’s Day) bury the signs deep down for the outside world.

Sunday should be a chance to appreciate all the things fathers do for us, I should be able to reflect and look back over how all the small things my Dad did when he was with me made me who I am, made me want to be a Dad and raise my own kids. But being honest, it is very hard to think like that. The tears, the anger, the loss and depression all kick in over the one day and it’s very difficult to shut that out and look positively.