1st Annual Bowlies Awards
Best Bowel Movement
Dean Groovely. He absolutely destroyed the competition.
Outstanding Supporting Factor
Kelli Nichols. She made an emergency run to the grocery store twice: once for toilet paper, and once more for Febreze.
Best Ensemble Bowel Movement
West Lafayette Boy’s Soccer Team, for their state championship anxiety shits.
Best Children’s Bowel Movement
Aiden Meiers. He made his father proud and his nanny gag a little.
Foreign Language Bowel Movement
Shoshana Marceau, for her Symphony in Bidet B.
Best Makeup Done On The Toilet
Andre Zornes, Jr. He passed exceptionally well, both for a woman and from his sphincter.
Best Screenplay Written On The Toilet
The Dark Tower by Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, Anders Thomas Jensen, and Nikolaj Arcel.
Outstanding Lighting Design
Miranda Peters, for her innovative unscrewing of three out of four light bulbs above the sink so she doesn’t wake herself up too much when she has to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Music (Original Score)
“Eye of the Fiber” — lyrics by Jim Cho, music by Jim Cho’s slum landlord’s faulty plumbing.
Jeremiah Standish. Maybe he would have more successful bowel movements if he had less successful pizza deliveries.
Exceptional Merit in Port-A-Pottying
Mackenzie Young. He persevered through 98 degrees of heat, a Deadhead pounding at the door, funnel cake-based excrement, a shortage of toilet paper, and tie-dyed snakes slithering out his dilated pupils.
Lifetime Achievement Award
Emir Seddigh. Few can match his regularity, his cleanliness, or his courtesy flushes.
Special Technical Award
Baby wipes. They changed the whole game. They’re like Netflix for buttholes.