3 Socially Acceptable Ways To Ask For the Restroom Key At a Coffee Shop
Learn this before it’s too latte.
It’s that time again. You’re sitting in a coffee shop and you need to use the loo. You just drank 49 gallons of bubbling caffeinated liquid in a span of 18 minutes, yet somehow it’s always a surprise. Well, nothing to it but to do it, right?
Not so fast. Hold it right there, chum. Just where exactly do you think you’re goin’? Did you presume to just waltz into the Pee Palace willy-nilly and take care of your business, no questions asked? Who do you think you are, the Dalai Lama?
It’s not about to be that easy — not by a long shot. Before you can use this coffee shop restroom, you’ll have to acquire the KEY. This is a magical device that allows the coffee shop to decide your fate, while also getting a clear sense of how long your procedure in there takes. The key (also known as “the gift”) is typically chained to a cutting board or a large stick, which often contain holy inscriptions such as, “BATHROOM KEY — RETURN TO COUNTER WHEN DONE.”
“When done” indeed.
If the coffee shop is of the generous variety, and you haven’t caused them to suspect you’re some kind of a freak, they will hand over this treasure — but you’ll have to ask for it. How do you do that without humiliating yourself? Researchers have found there are only three (3) socially acceptable ways. They are as follows:
1. Sing a Song
A jingle to smooth things over is key to getting the key (if it’s in the right key). There’s no real “wrong” way to serenade your barista when seeking the key to relieve yourself, but keeping the tune’s theme and lyrics bathroom-based is recommended for clarity (do not sing Bon Jovi — people hate this). Be sure to sing loud and proud to get your barista’s attention with your ditty so you can diddly. It is most effective to do this when there is a long line at the cash register.
2. Ride a Horse
This is an impressive way to get what you want — especially a key to the shitter. Gallup up to the cash register with confidence and mow down anyone who gets in your way. When you arrive at the counter, remove your riding gloves and slap them on your thigh as you say, “I’ll have that key now, please.” When it is handed over by the star-struck barista, put it in your teeth and let loose a sharp “Hyahh!” as you ride your steed to the restroom door. One there, dismount and enter. Refrain from bringing your horse in the restroom with you (this is frowned upon).
3. Ask for a Job
Approach the counter and ask for an application to work there, making it clear you need the work right away. Be sure to smile and give firm handshakes throughout the interview process. Once you’ve landed the job and have been working there for a while, earn the coffee shop’s trust by bludgeoning one or two customers who’ve dared to ask you for the key (do not feel guilty — they are casualties of a war you did not start).
When a year or so has passed and you’ve convinced your coworkers that you’re a friend, begin whispers of discontent about the way the coffee shop is run, suggesting that the “fat cats” at the top are reaping all the rewards of your hard work. Spend the next two years or so carefully snowballing this discontent into a shared rage; then, when the moment is right, stage a coup with your coworkers, overpowering the coffee shop’s muscle and taking over.
When the shop is yours and the streets run red with blood, ceremoniously bust down the restroom door, liberating the bladders (etc.) of the next generation of your countrymen. Then, when the excitement has died down, have the door put back on and take care of your business in peace.