7 Horror Premises So Absurd You Won’t Believe They Aren’t Already Stephen King Novels

1. Dark Figures — A small town in Maine holds a dark secret. Literally. When a horror writer trying to beat drug addiction moves out of the city and into a small rural town, he learns of what the locals call “the shadow people.” These dark figures move freely at night, hoping to steal the souls of the living. Feeling like he has found the perfect inspiration for his next novel, the writer goes out at night to write, but are those just shadows moving around him, or something much more sinister?

Believe it or not, this isn’t a Stephen King novel. We made it up. In our heads, just for this article. I know, I can’t believe it either.

2. Marvin the Mailman Murderer — A mailman that inexplicably looks like he’s from the fifties cruises around a small town in Maine, looking for his next delivery. Except this time he’s delivering… MURDER!

We sent our intern to Barnes and Noble to check, and this is undoubtedly not a Stephen King Novel. We did find out that he did a short story about a murdering milkman, which is honestly too close for comfort. We need to get more absurd so this doesn’t happen again.

3. Spiked Drink — After drinking an unlabeled beer at a party, an Eastern Maine teenager starts to grow spikes all over his body. If that’s not bad enough, as the spikes overtake him, he starts to desire human flesh.

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. We let the janitor pitch that one. Apparently, King’s “Gray Matter” features a bad beer turning someone into a man-eating blob. How many damn books has this guy written.

4. Haunted Ghosts — When a family in Maine moves into a new home, they discover something sinister. The house is ridden with ghosts, but that’s not it! Those ghosts, are being haunted by ghosts, and those ghosts have ghosts too!

Let’s see you write that one you bastard. We contacted an online Stephen King expert named Richard Bachman, and he confirmed that this is not a Stephen King novel, short story, film, mini-series, or anything else. He did seem overly interested in the idea though. Not sure what that was about.

5. Laundromat of Death — There’s a washing machine in Maine, but it’s got a demon in it, and uh, it keeps eating people that try to wash their clothes, but there’s a hard-boiled detective that is close to cracking the case, if he doesn’t get washed away first. Yeah that sounds good.

What? No damn way. Okay pack it up. We’re done. Forget it. We give up.