A Co-dependent’s Guide: 5 for sure ways to get that guy/girl of your dreams to notice you (like I did with Tom Hanks)

It’s important to let the person of your desires know they have a special place in your heart. Follow these simple guidelines to help Tom Hanks, I mean that special someone, know how you feel about them:

1. There’s nothing more romantic than saying you would sacrifice your life for a person and what better way to prove this than to elaborately execute your suicide in front of them. Give them a card from their “secret admirer” that includes two tickets to see the amazing views of the rooftop rotating restaurant in your city. When they are securely seated and awaiting their order go ahead and jump off the roof so when you pass by them on the way down you can yell something cryptic like “Tom Hanks!”. The time you spent together may not have been long, but they will never forget you. Neither will Tom Hanks.
2. There is no better way to show the guy/girl you are interested in that they are most important person in your life than endangering as many human lives as you have to for just a chance to get to know them better. One example might be to crash a red carpet event where Tom Hanks is the featured presenter covered in exploding bubble wrap. When an annoying interviewer that doesn’t have Tom Hanks best interest in mind approaches him, run up and trigger the explosion so it sounds like an automatic rifle on crack. Yell “Take cover Tom, I got your back forever!” or you know whatever chivalrous thing comes to mind.
3. Write their name on the stars with a laser pointer and post it on Youtube. The next day you will be featured on the nine o’clock news right where they can see you. When the news interviews you for comment say, “There is no prison wall thick enough to contain the love I have for so-and-so.” Just fill in the Hanks. I mean blanks.
4. Just like in the movies, a good way to get attention is to go overboard with nationalism using human poop, burning crosses and hangings. Also, there is nothing more American than Tom Hanks so, you know, figure it out.
5. Straight up, could you call Tom Hanks agent and let him know my bail is set at 50,000. I’m wondering if a) he will drop the charges and b) talk to my mom and let her know he’s Tom Hanks (she loves him too) just to sweeten the blow when she hears the charges?

It’s important to note if you can’t have them than no one else should be able to. If you’ve tried most of the things on this list and you still aren’t getting the recognition you desire, it’s perfectly natural to begin sending dead birds in the mail with captions like “You’ve really fucked up this time Tom.” Or whomever it is that so callously and inhumanely did not return the love you’ve so freely and unconditionally poured out.