Things To Know If You’re Wrestling A Cowboy And About To Roll Into A Mud Puddle

Got yourself in a bit of a fix, eh, pardner? We’ve all been there. One minute you’re sippin’ on that sweet barley, talkin’ ’bout goin’ on home to Betty-Lu, and the next you’re elbow-deep in Big Hoss’s giddyup, sweatin’ and a-hootin’ like a turkey laying eggs.

Well, as I’m sure you are quite aware, it’s only a matter of time before the two of you roll violently into a large, conveniently placed mud puddle outside the saloon, startling the horses. You’ll want to be aware of a few things ahead of time:

The first is, naturally, to make sure your insurance covers such a thing. Big Hoss is a big boy (thus the name), and he’s liable to break more than just your spirit as the two of you slosh into the juicy mud puddle that’s patiently awaiting your arrival. You don’t want to walk away from Doc Holliday’s office later owing him 100 cattle and your sister’s hand in marriage; so be sure to read through all of the terms and conditions of your provider before suggesting Big Hoss is a “gotdanged liar.” (Note: Allstate does not cover a cowboy scuffle unless you can prove it began on horseback.)

The second measure you’ll want to take before tangoing with the Hulk in a shallow desert pool is to inspect the puddle for any foreign objects. There’s no shame in giving it a look-see before walking into your local saloon. Sometimes it’s good to bring a stick to fish around in there. You may also consider telling passersby to avoid hawking any fluids into that particular mud puddle, as you expect to be experiencing it intimately with a perspiring Neanderthal man shortly. Nothing unmanly about avoiding a nasty spittle if you can, pardner.

The next and perhaps most obvious factor you’ll want to take into consideration is the preservation of any good clothing. Spittle or no spittle, that mud puddle is going to cause some serious staining, and are you willing to sacrifice a good pair of Sunday chaps to its murky depths? There’s nothing wrong with bringing along a change of clothes when “wetting yer whistle” at the “ol’ local drinky hole.” This way, when Hoss throws his chair across the room and says, “Say that again, stranger!” you can excuse yourself to the restroom and put on your “wrestlin’ pants” before returning to say that again. Your laundry bill will thank you. Keeping a “Tide To Go” pen with you at all times is never a bad idea, either.

Those are just a few basic tips to keep in the back of your mind before signing on to teach Big ol’ Hoss some manners. Here are some quick final thoughts:

• Leave your fancy engraved cigarette case with a trusted associate so it doesn’t get damaged.
• Close your eyes to keep mud out (keep those fists swinging, though).
• Use your knees.
• Bite your tongue very hard to avoid screaming “I love you!” mid-wrestle.