A lost episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
Sadly, this script never made it to the air, much to humanity’s loss
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
Picard:
[Enters the Bridge from the turbolift]
How are things, number one?
Riker:
It’s been a quiet night. Nothing on long-range sensors. Nothing to report.
Data:
Captain, I am reading multiple trans-warp signatures at the edge of sensor-range.
Worf:
[Alarmed]
Sir, sensors indicate twenty-three thousand Borg cubes are approaching at warp 9.99!
Picard:
But, that’s prepos… On screen!
[The viewscreen shows a goddamn mess of Borg cubes]
Riker:
Red alert! Raise shields!
Picard:
Shit! Fuck!
Worf:
They’re hailing us.
Picard:
[Nods at Worf]
The Borg:
[On speakerphone]
WE ARE THE BORG. PREPARE TO BE ASS —
Picard:
[Interjecting wearily]
Yes, we know who you are.
Wesley Crusher:
[Laughing]
Haha, “prepare to be ass”!
Riker:
Shut up, ensign!
[On the viewscreen, multiple collisions between Borg ships are seen]
Picard:
What the hell…
[Suddenly, dozens of Borg drones beam onto the Bridge]
Riker:
Security to the Bridg —
[He engages in hand-to-hand combat with the nearest drone]
Data:
[Starts mechanically grabbing drones and throwing them out of the way]
Worf:
[Is a twirling blur of Klingon fighting finesse, launching himself across the room at drones and sending them flying]
INT. TEN-FORWARD
Guinan:
[Single-handedly fighting off five drones with a broken bottle while an off-duty Reg Barclay cowers in the corner]
INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM 3
O’Brien:
[Crouched behind the transporter console, firing a phaser at oncoming drones]
Picard:
[Via comm channel]
Chief O’Brien, see if you can start beaming these Borg off the ship!
O’Brien:
Aye sir!
INT. ENGINEERING
Geordi:
[Doing something on a console]
Engineering to the Bridge! Some of those Borg drones beamed directly into the warp core! They were killed but it caused damage to the plasma injectors! I’ll have to take the warp drive offline!
INT. THE BRIDGE
[The drones on the Bridge are beamed away]
Picard:
[Catching his breath]
How long before you can repair the damage, Mr La Forge?
Geordi:
[Via comm channel]
About 4 hours.
Picard:
Make that 10 minutes, otherwise I fear we’re all going to die horrible deaths.
Geordi:
[Via comm channel]
Motherfu — I mean, yes sir! Engineering out.
[Worf is still whirling around violently. He collides with Troi and sends her flying into the viewscreen]
Riker:
[Running up to Troi]
Deanna!
Troi:
[Is unconscious]
Riker:
Riker to Sickbay, medical emergency on the bridge!
Dr Crusher:
[Via comm channel]
Acknowledged, I’m on my way.
Picard:
Ensign, turn us around and get us out of here, full impulse.
Wesley:
Aye sir.
Worf:
[Returns to tactical station]
Captain, one of the cubes is approaching off the port bow, 2,000 km and closing.
Picard:
[Starts shaking uncontrollably]
Um… Um… Oh pants!
Worf:
[Uncertainly]
Should I fire phasers and photon torpedoes?
Picard:
[Regaining his composure]
Er… Yes. Make it so.
Worf:
[Shakes his head]
All weapons are offline.
Data:
Sir, may I suggest we stick our hands out of the windows and fire hand phasers at them?
Picard:
[Head in hands]
This can’t be real… None of this is real! Computer, end program!
Computer:
Unable to comply; please rephrase the command.
Picard:
[Banging on his armrests]
Then, it’s not a holodeck program… it’s real! Crap! Merde!
Wesley:
Orders, sir?
Picard:
Run away! Run away!
EXT. SPACE (THE FINAL FRONTIER)
[The Enterprise is flying away from the incoming wall of colliding Borg cubes]
INT. THE BRIDGE
Dr Crusher:
[Entering the Bridge from the turbolift, holding a medkit]
Who’s hurt?
Riker:
It’s Deanna.
Troi:
[Sitting in her chair]
But… I’m fine, Will.
Riker:
[Staring with a puzzled expression, then looking down at Troi’s unconscious body next to him]
But… But…
Dr Crusher:
[Lowering her medkit]
Computer… locate Counsellor Troi.
Computer:
Counsellor Troi is on the Bridge, in her quarters, in Holodeck 2, on the Bridge and in Engineering.
Data:
Computer, I do not think that information is correct.
Computer:
Unable to comply.
Picard:
Five Deannas…
[Stares into the middle distance, gravely]
[Music swells, fade to black]
OPENING CREDITS
INT. CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM
Picard:
[Is sensual]
INT. TEN-FORWARD
Worf:
[Enters and strides up to the bar]
Blood wine!
Guinan:
Here’s a prune juice.
Worf:
[Snarling]
I asked for blood wine! How dare you dishonour me wit —
Guinan:
[Sassily]
You’re gonna take this prune juice and you’re gonna drink it. Now, what’s on your mind Worf?
Michael Dorn:
[Breaking character]
It took about sixteen takes before I could pronounce “twenty-three thousand” properly. Damn these Worf teeth!
Riker:
[Angrily, via comm channel]
All senior officers report to the bridge! Have you forgotten that we have a crisis on our hands!?
Michael Dorn:
[Panicked]
Shit, I forgot!
[Runs out]
INT. THE BRIDGE
Picard:
[Enters from the Ready Room, testily]
This had better be good number one. I was in the middle of thinking about —
Riker:
There’s a goddamn kaleidoscope of Borg cubes headed this way, remember!? I can’t even look at them without getting a headache, it’s so visually confusing to look at!
Picard:
[Looking at the viewscreen, embarrassed]
Ah… yes… of course… Yes. Status report, Mr Data.
Data:
[Turns to face the Captain]
The air temperature on the Bridge is 22.1 degrees Celsius, or 295.3 Kelvin; the average artificial gravity on the ship is 0.989G; the —
Picard:
[Sitting down in his chair]
That will do, Data, you incompetent genius.
[Strokes his chin thoughtfully]
Computer, replicate a large bowl of spaghetti bolognese using the replicator in my ready room, then transport it to my lap.
[A large bowl of spaghetti bolognese beams onto Picard’s lap]
Picard:
[Slowly begins to grin]
Very good, Computer!
[He starts shovelling the spaghetti into his mouth with his bare hands]
Worf:
[Enters from the turbolift, dragging two unconscious Cardassians]
Captain, I encountered these Cardassians on deck 10. What should I do with them?
Picard:
Take them to the Borg. I mean, the Brig.
Worf:
[Turns to drag them away]
Picard:
That won’t be necessary, Mr Worf. Computer, beam these two Cardassians directly to the Brig.
[The Cardassians beam away]
O’Brien:
[Via comm channel]
O’Brien to Captain Picard. With all due respect sir, it’s my bloody job to transport things around on this ship!
Picard:
Come up here and fight me, sir!
INT. SICKBAY
[Dr Crusher is using a tricorder to examine Troi, who is sitting on a bed. Meanwhile, another Troi is reclining on another bed, looking unsettled]
Dr Crusher:
As far as I can tell, both of you are Deanna Troi. There’s nothing to distinguish between you, even on the cellular level.
Troi 1:
What could have caused this?
Dr Crusher:
Honestly, I have no idea.
Troi 2:
[Thinking]
Computer, locate Counsellor Troi.
Computer:
Counsellor Troi is in Sickbay, on the Bridge, in Sickbay, in Ten-Forward, on Holodeck 2, on Holodeck 2, in her quarters and in Shuttlebay 3.
Troi 1:
[Staring at Troi 2, worried]
We’re multiplying…
INT. HOLODECK 2 (EXT. HILLY LANDSCAPE THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE CALIFORNIA — DAY)
[Two Trois are arguing]
Troi 1:
You’re the hologram!
Troi 2:
No, you’re the hologram!
Troi 1:
I don’t have time for this. Computer, end program.
Computer:
Unable to comply.
Troi 2:
There, you see, you’re the hologram. Now then, Computer, end program.
Computer:
Unable to comply.
Troi 2:
Shit.
INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM 3
Troi:
[Via comm channel]
Troi to O’Brien, can you beam the two of us out of Holodeck 2? The Computer isn’t responding.
O’Brien:
Two of you, counsellor?
Troi:
[Via comm channel]
I’ll explain later. Energise.
O’Brien:
[Operates the transporter controls]
[5 Trois beam onto the transporter pad]
O’Brien:
I… I don’t understand it…
Picard:
[Via comm channel, extremely agitated]
All hands, abandon ship! I repeat, all hands, abandon ship!
[Music swells, fade to black]
INT. THE BRIDGE
[The Bridge is full of 20 Trois and rising]
Data:
Captain, with this many duplicates of Counsellor Troi, there are no longer enough escape pods for all personnel on the ship.
[Riker is sat in the corner, holding his knees, rocking back and forth, traumatised]
Riker:
[Muttering]
Deanna… Deanna…
Worf:
Captain, one of the Borg cubes is hailing us.
Picard:
[Distressed]
On screen.
Troi Borg Drone:
[On viewscreen]
WE ARE THE TROIS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
INT. BARCLAY’S QUARTERS
[Barclay is alone in his quarters, sitting on his bed]
Barclay:
[Nervously — well okay, that’s just Barclay’s default state]
Barclay to Counsellor Troi, I… I think I need another appointment after that Borg… attack.
[He receives so many responses from the Trois simultaneously that his comm badge explodes, killing him instantly]
INT. THE BRIDGE
Geordi:
[Via comm channel, overly melodramatic]
Captain! Captain, help! Help!
Picard:
Geordi! Geordi, respond! Dammit! Quick, must get to Engineering… Number One —
[Sees Riker sobbing in the corner]
On the other hand, Commander Data—you have the Bridge.
[Enters turbolift]
INT. TURBOLIFT
Picard:
Engineering. Wait, belay that… not enough time to wait for the turbolift to get there… Computer, lock onto this turbolift and beam it directly to the part of the shaft where the exit to Engineering is.
INT. ENGINEERING
Picard:
[Steps out of the turbolift to find that engineering has turned into a Borg style command centre à la First Contact]
The Troi Queen:
[The Borg Queen but it’s Troi]
[Flirtatiously]
Hello Locutus.
Picard:
[Promptly steps backward into the turbolift]
INT. TURBOLIFT
Picard:
[Stoically]
Bridge.
Data:
[Via comm channel]
Bridge to Captain Picard. We are approaching a class M planet.
Picard:
[Fists clenched in celebration]
Yes! So much win!
[Starts dancing around the turbolift]
Data:
Captain?
Picard:
[Abruptly stops, clears throat]
Ahem, yes. Mr Data, have Commander Riker meet me in Transporter Room 2.
INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM 2
Riker:
[Enters, he seems to have regained his composure]
Captain, I apologise for —
Picard:
No time for that now, number one. We need to beam down to the planet.
Data:
[Via comm channel]
Captain, surface scans show a population of four billion Counsellor Trois on the planet.
Riker:
[Flinches massively]
Picard:
Step onto the pad, number one.
Riker:
I won’t! I don’t want to go down to the surface!
Picard:
[Frustrated]
Computer, lock onto Commander Riker and beam him onto the transporter pad.
Sadly, that’s all that was recovered. Personally, I think this script was excellent, and it’s a damn shame it never made it to the air. I’m planning to take Rick Berman hostage until he produces this episode. You can help fund this kidnapping by supporting me on Patreon.
