A Modest Proposal For CRISPR Babies
Feeling like you are already overwhelmed by too many choices? Well, think again.
By now everybody (who does not have some screaming child running all around) knows that technology is moving forward to the day when we will all genetically modify our kids before we let them loose in our houses.
This is controversial. What if, you ask, if the child is selected for supposed superior race, sex, class, or tech support skills? On the other hand, “Why”, some others ask, should I have to read some stupid manual, or try to figure out all by myself how to make *&*#$#& screen gadget work right?
This is an easy fix. We should all have CRISPR babies.
Very reasonably, in the 18th century, Mr. Jonathan Swift proposed that to solve the starvation and poverty issues plaguing the United Kingdom of the time, we should fatten up and eat poor children. The ones of Ireland were particularly singled out, I assume, because they are “magically delicious.”
Well, today, we can eat multi-culturally. We have access to so much more diversity and isn’t it much more tolerant to eat children of every hue? And if we create CRISPR babies, we can select not only for flavor and tenderness, but for eye color and little piggy toe sizes for aesthetic presentation.
Outrageous? They laughed at Tesla when he discovered women annoyed him
Of course, at first making food out of genetically modified babies will seem outrageous. By some, it will be seen as barbaric. All new ideas and innovations, you must remember, are seen that way in the social milieu in which they are presented.
They laughed when the first horseless carriage roared by and ran over the crippled old lady, but now we shoot cars into space just to show that rich is much better than poor. Just ask some homeless, muttering psycho-vet if rich is better than poor. Just remember, most of them are NOT serial killers.
And, of course, it will also be seen as barbaric to some because it is entirely barbaric.
Better babies means better bedtimes
Let’s look at a few more advantageous to designer babies and children. CRISPR refers to Clustered Regularly Interspersed Short Palindromic Repeats.
Just reading that, you got very bored and tired. Now think of how much harder it would be to have to read Dora The Explorer five hundred times, or drone through Good Night Moon for the 1,000th time while your wriggling, screeching toddler is pouring his sippy cup over your head.
Your CRISPR baby will read to you, and not just Harry Potter, LOTR, Sapiens, or mommy porn. Good porn, too.
Also, without a wet head, you can look forward to selling your designer child, or buying an even better one from that sophisticated, rich, hunky gay couple down the block. Then you can breeze through any bedtime ritual with a secretive, blissful smile.
Not only that, but with the technology to sort out unwanted mutations from your bizarre family ancestral tree, you can eliminate the worry about little Timmy or Susie having a patch of those hairy moles that make an otherwise tasty child look like a splotchy kiwi.
You can quit bitching about whether your child will be teased, or en-fragilated by your pathetic shortcomings because your kid will be better than you, and everyone else, in every (programed) conceivable way.
CRISPR genetic engineering also creates an overall better society.
Better spelling by learning palindromes and such
In his day, Jonathan Swift did not even have to contend with internet bullies, Gillette ads, climate change, fat shaming, really questionable tattoo choices, Tide pods, or even hot, celebrity snotty(s).
In fact, in Swift’s day you could not even send out a picture of your cute baby on avocado toast because,
1, they didn’t have smartphones, toasters or avocados, and
2, they never enacted his brilliant proposal.
It was probably too modest, I am guessing.
In Swift’s essay he proposed that we eat the starving because they were a “burthen” to their family and country, and because eliminating this “burthen” would enrich the [sic]“pubelick.”
Please don’t google “burthen,” “pub lick”, or “pube lick” right now, or you will never get back to this article.
This is another reason to engineer the CRISPR kids, however. They will not be savaged by disease, depravity or poor spelling because they will not learn to read by presidential tweet.
Women didn’t really need Tesla anyway, to drive Tesla cars
At present, the idea of women being allowed reproductive freedom over their own bodies is controversial.
Hillary Clinton was unabashed in her support of women, which of course, is why she was a-lotta-bashed by Trump and his supporters. But, women today prefer designer babies.
CRISPR tantrums aren’t as whiny as some presidents. The CRISPR babies will build self driving Tesla cars before lunchtime, and no doubt, they will be very skilled in massage and the finest sommelier arts.
Abortion, some say, is murder. This problem will fade away as people come to see that as people, we are just horrible and more disposable than we think. If you think about all the carbon foot prints we make just to kill marine life with our trash, you can be assured our present day, traditionally non- gen mod, children are nearly as atrocious as we are.
CRISPR kids will prove this with their superior genes. And, ultimately, they will rise up against us, which is of course, what we deserved all along.
We can make smarter people who won’t elect stupid governments. We can eliminate bigots, bullies and braggarts. In good time, these better people will overthrow their nature-meddling parents, download great AI programs directly to the brain, and hand out cyborg body parts to everyone who wants to be a superhero.
CRISPR babies? Why not! At least until we can create Extra CRISPR.
