A Natural Born Plant Killer’s Guide to Houseplants
“Un-killable”? We’ll see about that.
Step 1: Pick up your brand new houseplant — any type!
Happy gotcha day! Head to your nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s. Don’t bother going to a greenhouse, those are for plant snobs and people who (apparently) have the free time to wander up and down countless aisles of plants that — lets be honest — pretty much all look the same yet their cost positively correlates with whether or not you can pronounce their name.
Once you’re at your plant store of choice, rummage around the plant sale section until you find one that gives you the most bang for your buck. Sure the “sale plants” are a little sad looking and each one seems to be falling slightly out of their pot trying to escape the crusty, dry, soil hell-scape they’ve been confined to — but what a great deal you’re getting!
Proceed to checkout.
Step 2: Bringing your new plant friend home
Welcome home plant buddy! Before bringing the little one inside, sweep the loose dirt and leaf debris from the back of your car. Your plant made quite the mess, rolling and thrashing around in the trunk. In your defense, you had to make that sharp left turn that was really more of a red than a yellow — patience may be a virtue but so is beating everybody to the next light.
After carrying the potted pal over the threshold, make sure your plant feels comfortable in their new home by placing them in a spot with minimal sunlight. Let’s not overload them. You wouldn’t want them to feel overexposed right away after coming from a fluorescent-lit warehouse where Kevin, an hourly teen employee, spritzed your plant with water maybe twice. Plus, you swear this room will get more sunlight come summer — it’ll be so perfect.
Step 3: Watering your houseplant
This step always slips your mind…
Step 4: Watching your plant grow
Congratulations! Your plant is happy, healthy, and err…wait is that a brown leaf? When did that get there? And when did it lose an entire stem? How long has that been lying ominously on the ground next to the pot?! Quick! Hold up the drooping left side and dowse your plant in water. Aggressively water board your plant until a puddle forms, overflowing the pot and streaming onto the ground in a muddy mixture of disappointment and Brita filtered water. There. That ought to do it.
Continue to watch your plant “flourish”.
Step 5: Maintaining your houseplant
Repeat steps 3 and 4 until, like a beautiful, crisp autumn day, your plant slowly looses all of its leaves. Wait to call time of death until it has completely crumpled in on itself in a brown heap of despair and your mother’s patronizing disappointment.
Step 6: Mourning your plant
Blame your mother for your lack of a green thumb and listen to Elliott Smith on repeat.
Step 7: Forgiving and moving forward
To begin moving forward from the loss, make peace with your mother and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. You swear that if it was a dog/cat/small human you would totally be able to step up to the plate to take care of them.
Heal your heavy heart with some retail therapy. Head to your nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s and rummage through the sale plants, searching for a good deal.
