All The Fantastic Shit I’m Thinking About While I Do My 10 Minute Morning Meditation
Is this working?
When will this start working?
Does this actually work?
Okay, I feel it. It’s absolutely working.
It’s astonishing how fast it’s working.
But that’s just me. I’ve always picked things up really easily.
Piano, softball, juggling. Now this. Amazing.
I’m on the road to being one of the Calm People.
I’m already one of them, I believe.
A small lantern, floating out to sea. The sound of children giggling, their freckled, cherubic faces —
You know, I’d look great in a monastic robe.
Capitalism is a scam.
An unconscionable ruse.
How can there be “private beaches”? Also, have I done the whole 10 minutes yet?
6 minutes and 47 seconds left.
Fuck.
Okay, I think I’m getting something out of this.
I’m feeling tranquil.
I’m feeling so, so tranquil.
This is like drugs, except not as fun.
If you say the word “syllogism” over and over and over and over and over and over again, in quick succession, it loses all meaning.
Okay, back to meditating. Let’s fucking do this.
Focus on the breath.
In through the nostrils.
Out through the nostrils.
OoOoO. So soothing. It’s like a cozy little bubble bath.
I’m a cozy little bubble bath bitch.
Enlightenment is everything. Everything.
Do I really have to keep my eyes closed the whole time?
A Life Filled With Serenity. Sheer Bliss, Like Waves of a Satin Sheet Rolling In a Light Gust of Wind Seeping Through the Air Vent of a Noxious Port-a-Potty.
I’m learning so much about myself.
About others, too.
Imagine if everyone did this? We could eradicate disease.
We could raze all the Wal-Marts. All the Superstores, in fact. Gone. Poof! Um, buh-bye!
Like a David Copperfield trick. Only much, much better.
I wonder if I exude high quality pheromones.
How much time is left?
3 minutes and 12 seconds.
This feels like it has been going on literally for months.
Can I stop early? Does that make me a bad meditator?
A bad person?
Why am I just sitting here?
Who has the right to say what “meditating” is? The arrogance!
Nobody knows a single thing about anything.
A clueless bunch, we are.
Just think of how dumb everyone is. Sadly, we’re all winging it.
Anything can be meditation. Everything is meditation.
2 minutes and 48 seconds left.
Okay, this is just about over. We’re done here.
I can turn this off without feeling bad.
I’m turning it off.
I deserve to turn it off.
It’s off.
Wowowow! I did it.
Complete and utter peace.
Amazing.
Truly amazing.
Astonishing, even.
This is the beginning of a wonderful lifelong journey.
This is everything.
This Is Us.
