An Open Letter of Apology to the Customers of My Raw Water Business
Dear Customers,
It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that effective immediately ‘The Raw Water Emporium’ will be ceasing all operations. This includes any currently pending orders. Though we were only in business for six weeks, please know that serving you was an experience that I will treasure forever.
Unfortunately, the competition we faced from ’Big Water’, as well as the scrutiny we received from public health officials and local law enforcement were simply too big of obstacles for a small business such as ours to overcome. Furthermore, one of the requirements of my sentencing agreement is that I must apologize to all who have been harmed by consuming or otherwise coming into contact with my product. Which brings me to the other reason I am writing this letter.
First, as a business person, I would like to apologize for not treating you with the respect you deserve. When I first began this little venture of mine I went into it viewing you as a bunch of hipster rubes with more money than sense. While that perception was not wholly inaccurate, I acknowledge it was disrespectful. I am deeply sorry for any emotional distress I may have caused you.
I also deeply regret that many of you contracted waterborne illnesses after consuming the raw water you purchased from me. In addition to not sanitizing the raw water in any way, I also decided on my own to add a few additional parasites to it. Foolishly I believed they would enhance your raw water experience. I am deeply sorry for any gastrointestinal distress I may have caused you.
Lastly, I must apologize for the mutations. While I did indeed source my raw water from a remote, uninhabited area, I neglected to mention why the area was so remote and uninhabited. I now realize that sourcing my raw water from an abandoned quarry located in a radioactive ghost town was a bad decision. It was a momentary lapse in judgement fueled at least in part by the recent superhero craze.
Please know that I never intended to harm you in anyway. I merely wanted to make an easy buck before skipping off into the sunset waiting for the next stupid trend. I hope that someday you might find it in your heart to forgive me, and perhaps even look back at this experience and laugh.
Sincerely,
Lauren Pathak
