Some say that April is the cruelest month. And by someone, I mean T.S. Eliot, who was kind of a downer. But he wasn’t totally off the mark! It’s not gonna be great for anyone. But what are you gonna do? How about have a horoscope, you April Fools?
Aries, March 21 — April 19
Spring is your time to shine Aries, but by shining I mean you’ll get charged with a misdemeanor and be forced to clean the sides of your nearest Interstate for the rest of the month. I mean how embarrassing is that? You can tell everyone you’re innocent and this was all a mistake but I’ll KNOW.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
Watch out Taurus, an Air sign is out to get you! Probably one of those sneaky ass Gemini in your life you’ve NEVER trusted Monica anyway what a skank! But I digress, don’t let this news paralyze you — but take complements, gifts and three bean casseroles with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Take my advice, you’ll want to do some spring cleaning of the mind. Too many thoughts are swirling around your head like a… swirly thing. Maybe a kinda clogged-up drain. You gotta let all them gross idea-hairs go. Here’s how to fix it — pop a Xanax and let that shit LEAVE. YOUR. HEAD.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
You’ve been too concerned with your significant other, or lack thereof (You know who you are!) but you need to RELAX. Take this time to come to grips with the fact you’re not a great conversationalist. Hey, it’ll be OKAY if no one really likes you. Sometimes being alone is some of the best time you’ll ever spend with yourself.
Leo, June 23 — August 22
If you noticed you were missing from last month’s horoscopes, congrats! If you didn’t notice, wow are you dumb! Well, rest assured you WILL have a horoscope this month, and it’s gonna be GREAT! Just kidding. It’s going to be painfully awful. Maybe it was better when you didn’t have a horoscope, after all.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Oh this one is BAD, Virgo. Like super awkward terribleeeee. So, remember in 6th grade Bio class you finally got to the chapter on single-cell organisms and you had to read aloud and even though you were like “don’t accidentally say orgasm, don’t accidentally say orgasm” you still accidentally said it? You’ll do it AGAIN.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
This month, perspective is key. What’s fun for you is actually THE WORST for others. Well actually that’s not even perspective that’s just a fact. People aren’t busy they just don’t like going to your weird theme parties. They don’t want to go to dinner theater and no one likes your fish casserole. Sorry?
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
People always say “Don’t Worry” but they aren’t professionals. Worrying is a natural part of life and BOY is there a ton to fret over. For example, this month you’ll drop your keys in the gutter and get street water in your hair trying to get them back. Who knows what crazy diseases are swimming in there! Embrace it.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
You’re feeling like you woke up on the wrong side of bed, that your toast landed butter-side down, and other dumb idioms. Unfortunately, there’s no full moon until the 30th, so you’ll be waiting quite a while for shit to even out again. Oh well. Might as well head into this shit-storm head on.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Be careful who you try to manipulate this month, Capricorn. You ever see those spy movies where the spy actually gets screwed over because they’ve been working with a double agent the WHOLE TIME? It’s kinda like that. So my advice is to just think like a spy. Obviously.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Watch out Aquarius, this month you will be faced with a life altering choice. Well, maybe not “life-altering” but it is important. Also, don’t forget to check the little boxes on any important forms sent to your home. No one needs to get grilled by the IRS, or worse, Homeland Security.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
You’re a real butterfingers this month, so stop touching things you slippery fish! Plates, mirrors, hearts, and that urn of your great-grandma’s ashes are all on the chopping block because of YOU, you CLUMSY GARBAGE TROLL! Mercury ends its retrograde on the 15th but until then, you’re fucked.
If you liked your horoscope this month, ❤ it.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.