As a Witch-Hunter, I Applaude the NRA’s Newe Anti-Witch Stance

Both this picture, & witchcraft, are real.

GOODE DAY, goode Reader! I am Herr Johan von Ehrenberg, 16th Century Witch-Hunter. I saw over the week-end that your “National Rifle Association” — which I understand to be a popular Shootist’s Clubbe — came out firmly against the Perils of Witch-craft! 'Tis a boon indeed, to all of us fighting the War on Witchery. But, I find myself vexed by your Reactiones to this joyous News. Some of you seem to think Witches are not a threat, but Gunnes are? & further that this noble Shootist’s Clubbe is not noble, but rather stupid, dangerous, & cruel? Wherefore, Goode Readers? Let me examine the matter, using my Knowledge.

Folio I: On Why it is Totally Smarte to Focus on Witches Now

I truly cannot believe that I find myself telling you this, as you are Moderne Folk, & thus advanced beyond my ken, but, here it goes: Witches are the gravest threat to Mankind. I truly cannot overstate this Fact. They will curse you. They will take their children. They will tear your country asunder, & inflict global suffering. Can you think of anything else, anything else in all the Worlde, so dangerous as a Witch? Or any other Threat so real, which destroys Lives, every day? I can not! & thus the NRA is wise to take aim at this insidious Problem, of Witch-craft. Not even the Irish pose such a risk. Q.E.D.

Folio II: On the Threat of a Witch vs. a Gun

I have seen Persons claim the threat of Witches — deadly agents of Satan, one & All — pales in comparisonn to that of a Gun. HOWE?, I ask? Can a Gun measure up to the destructive power of a VVitch? I’m no Conquistador, but even I know the weaknesses of Gunnes. Which I assume have not changed since my Time:

1. One Witch can curse an entire harvest for an entire village; but one Arquebus fires a soft lead ball only once every two minutes, & only then in the hand of an Experte.
2. An experienced Witch may steal the strength of a man’s arm, evading capture though you lay hand upon Them; but even an elite Musketeer wears no Armor, & is vulnerable Completely to attacks from Behynd.
3. A Musket fails in rain, & a Musketballe’s course can not withstand e’en the slightest breeze. As the Saying goes, “A Witch in a proper coat is more hardy than a wet Musket!”

Basickally, unless facing an organized line of skilled Marks-men, you have so little to fear from a Gun! I fear a sharp Rapier more, myself. But even the lowest Initiate Witches of a Black Coven learn magicks to bewitch livestock, bring hailstormes, & steal penises by the bushel. So, the only logicall Conclusion regarding the “Controll of Gunnes” party is that they have been hexed, & I am glad the NRA has realized this. It is so clear, so obvious, that the only reason a Person would argue that Gunnes are dangerous is that they have been Cursèd by a VVitch. I can see no other Cause.

fig.: A Witch with her Bushel of Stolen Penises

Folio III: On Why the NRA is a Very Importante Instytution

I want to spend but a brief Momente reinforcing why the NRA Shootist’s Clubbe is a very importante Instytution for your United States of Amerigo the Dago. Their influence is undeniable. All your most powerful Nobles (you call them “Congressmen,” but I am hard-pressed to find much Difference) bow to their demands, & when they publish a Booke, it finds widespread appeal! In fact, Stephen Miller himself — the “Masterminde” behind the policy of separating immigrant “Families” at the border — says he was turned into a hardline racist by the NRA President’s book Guns, Crime & Freedom. I know not the details of your current Situation, but again, going by my 16th Century Knowledge, the trek overland across the entire New World would take years, & a vast fortune, to complete. So, I assume, all these “Families” being separated are in fact large mercantile companies, or brigades of Conquistadores masquerading as Families. Therefore, it’s all justified. Otherwise, you’d be destroying regular Human Families, which would be beyond cruel! I do not think a nation named for a Smelly Italian Navigator would be so Heart-less.

Folio of Conclusyon

I believe now there should be no true Argumentes remaining: The NRA is a smart group, important to the World, which inspires Heroes like Stephen Miller. And now, it bravely combats Witches, which are the most dangerous threat to all Life. If you have any Dispute with my infallible Knowledge, please send a Messenger, or have a scribe write out your Commentes for you here, on this pamphlet. And if you are a Witch, please turn yourself in to the nearest Shootist’s Club, and please do not curse me.