Children Are The Worst
Don’t believe me? You probably don’t have kids.
If you are planning on having kids, listen up. If you are one of those people who do not plan to have kids, then move along since none of this will interest you unless you want to get a fun ‘backstage pass’ look at what parenting is like. There are several misconceptions about children that I would like to pass along to you if you are currently waiting for a child to come along. If you are not currently in utero, then read this and you’ll be just a little wiser than you are right now just in case someday a lady friend lets you put your do-dad in her meat wallet or if some burly mountain man plants his seed in your canyon of lush fruits. (You’ll have to excuse the euphemisms, I’m not a terribly romantic person and right now I’m really tired)
Misconception 1 — Children tell the truth, all the time
This one is a rather common one. You hear people talking all the time about how kids only speak the truth since they are angels from heaven or some shit. The claim is most often phrased around the idea that children are born pure and are taught how to lie. This line of reasoning revolves around an idea that their minds are not developed with a sense of how to lie until they are taught how to lie by their parents and/or siblings. The misconception is carried on by the various incantations of TV shows about how much kids ‘tell the truth’.
The truth? Children lie way more than you or I ever will, and I lie a lot of times every day. A kid will spill something directly in front of you and look at you. This whole time they saw you watching them and know that you were watching them. They will then answer ‘no’ if you ask them if they spilled it. They can sit there, with a straight face (that ‘look me in the eye’ shit doesn’t work at all at this age either, or any age for that matter) and tell you that they don’t know how something got spilled and continue to deny it. Kids learn from a very early age that when you lie it may pay-off and if it does, jackpot. They don’t need a lot of help learning that it is always best to not get caught. The one time that it does pay off will counterbalance all the times that it doesn’t because they spilled something/punched someone/peed on something directly in front of you.
Misconception 2 — Children are happy
People love to talk about how wonderful and easy their children are, mostly to people who either don’t have children or don’t have children yet. If you only listened to these people talk, you would end up thinking that babies never cry and spend all day creating turds made out of rainbows in his diaper.
This is horseshit. Babies cry. All babies cry. I know, those people look back and say ‘Well, my child rarely cried and was so great all the time.’ You are not remembering this correctly. You seem to forget that no baby ever has slept all night without waking up at least once to cry about something that wasn’t right in its head. If your baby did sleep through the night on a regular basis while under the age of 2 then all I have to say to you is that you are a fucking liar and that I hate you. Nobody experiences what that is like because it never fucking happens.
Babies wake up all the time, all night long. Anything can wake them up too, that’s the best part. What, the dog next door barked? The baby wakes. The garbage truck drove by the next street over? The baby wakes. Did a dishwasher start in the neighbors' house? Baby wakes. Anything in the world that makes noise will wake up a fucking baby and it sucks ass. As a parent, you have to get used to babies waking up so much that you completely change how you live just to cut down the chance of waking the poop machine up from a nap. I personally got very used to watching TV shows on mute while reading the captions. Do you know what sucks? A comedy where you can’t hear the delivery and you can only read the captions. Without that delivery, those jokes are going to suck and I don’t care how funny you say that line in Community was, it sucked when I read it in the captions.
Misconception 3 — Children are not terrorists
This one is simple, right? There is no way that a lovable, playful child could be a terrorist.
You are wrong. Children behave on the same level as any terrorist. They both have their respective weapons of choice, either bombs or tears, and use them to their advantage. A terrorist always wants something to come of their attack. Whether they want death to infidels or people to respect their religion or whatever they think that the attack will provide. Babies are the same way. They use their weapon, their tears, to make you do things. They will not only make you do things once they are crying they end up training you, without you even knowing it, to do things for them so that they don’t cry. It’s like your child is holding a gun to your head full of their tears and is continually threatening to pull the trigger if you don’t do what they say.
That is what your life is headed for, a constant state of hostage crisis negotiations. They want a cookie, so they start crying. They do this a few hundred times a day and pretty soon, they are getting a fucking cookie after dinner without even having to bother asking. On top of that, you’ll end up loving the idea of bringing them that cookie. That is what they do to you, make you want to do whatever you have to in order to keep that gun full of tears from getting fired into your skull.
You will end up wondering where children learn this from. It is actually pretty simple, children are the worst and will always be the worst. There is nothing that you can do about it. At least not until you can ship them off to school and make them the teacher’s problem.
I have to go to bed. I’m so tired.