Creepy Teen Witch’s To Do List
Published in
4 min readMay 18, 2018
- Pack black lipstick into Lisa Frank pencil case
- Sketch pentagram on forearm using silver gel pen during SAT prep session
- Distress black denim jeans using rusty box cutter in moldy shower of girls locker room
- Steal a baby Shih Tzu from dog park, nickname him Beelzebub, tell mom that rearing him is a required school project
- Buy thirteen white, laundry scented glade candles, place them in the shape of a frown on school astro turf field, pour gasoline on them, light a Newport loosey while humming Charles Manson ditty
- Purchase dark purple liquid eyeliner, apply at dreadfully slow pace while staring into soiled, reflective rain puddle in school principal’s parking spot
- Light lone matchstick in school janitor closet while holding a chicken foot
- Watch Charmed on Iphone during study lab, take notes on papyrus paper using quill dipped in turtle blood
- Make elaborate venn diagram on homeroom blackboard of Rose McGowan and Shannen Doherty’s personalities as third Halliwell sister
- Fashion miniature model of Nancy from The Craft out of dry ramen noodles and crazy glue, leave underneath dad’s pillow
- Steal crock pot from Mom, color it black using sharpie, lace insides with flammable acetone, return to pantry shelf
- Write a semi pornographic Harry Potter themed fan faction entitled “Mooooaaaaning Myrtle,” hand it in to Dean of students as college essay draft
- Pierce lip at Mother’s Day brunch in restaurant bathroom using granny apple slice, blow torch, and unsterilized needle, come back to table bleeding profusely
- Ensure A+ on physics final by sacrificing diseased squirrel to pagan gods via feeding it cyanide slathered pop tart
- If you do fail test, book office hours meeting with Mr. Bratnick, the psychics teacher, and explain, via tattered black- scarf driven interpretive dance to compilation track of whale noises and Enya, that you don’t believe in physics
- Steal school secretary’s label maker to make stack of homemade loose leaf tarot cards
- Take science lab’s token skeleton model, Mr. No Skin, to prom, take series of romantic photos with him, unironically introduce him as your lover to the school secretary
- When Mr. Bratnick expresses doubt at vociferous anti psychics propaganda dance, leave bent metal spoon with bits of pig menstrual blood on it in his teacher mailbox, coupled with a plastic cup full of pieces of your shredded headshot
- Experiment sexually and confidently with Becky from your soccer team
- Make favorite middle school Barbie have sex with several Polly Pockets against her will
- Experiment sexually and confidently with Brenda from your softball team
- Rip handful of hair from Becky and Brenda’s scalps during make out, scotch tape them to soccer ball and softball, draw faces on balls, experiment sexually and confidently with balls at midnight while screaming both of their names and ask Becky and Brenda if they felt anything at school the next day
- Read tattered Nietszche novel while pouring black candle wax on belly
- Put rose crystal up bodily hole of my choosing, go to deli, see if crystal gets me pint of chunky monkey for free
- Blink eyes thirteen times in local cobblestone alley and see if black kitten appears in shadows
- Eat asparagus, urinate into corked vial connected to homemade lanyard necklace, place in hot senior Nicola’s locker with note attached, “expensive vodka from your secret admirer, drink up lover,” and watch him chug and spit my urine out while spying on him in a dusty dark school corridor. That’ll show that evil demon boy to turn down my offer for a midnight drive to a cemetery in my father's Prius.
- Make papier mache model of devil horns in the middle of a graveyard while forcing my friend Greg from band to play Eleanor Rigby on flute
- Vocally link all heavy rainstorms to my the commencement of my menstrual cycle
- Nearly have a sloppy make out with a high school jock at midnight on a playground slide but then at the last second purse your lips tight and blame mercury being in retrograde for the disappearance of your libido
- Cross your eyes for the entirety of dawn masturbatory session
- Replace mother’s face lotion with homeopathic mace potion ( a vial of mace and lavender oil you mixed in a Tibetan singing bowl)
- Never make eye contact with others, unless it’s for unwarranted long periods of time
- Stare and howl at the full moon, nude, while lying in a field of wet grass
- Graduate, walk down aisle while naked
- Never EVER abandon the real you for the sake of experiencing friendship or familial love!
