Linnea Cooley
Jul 3 · 3 min read
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

To: wweppler@wmu.edu

Subject: End of Semester Grades

Dear Professor Weppler,

I just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed your class this semester! I was hesitant at first when my adviser informed me that your “Pets of Medieval Europe” class was the only general education requirement that would fit in my schedule. But I learned a surprising amount about Anglo-Saxon hamster breeders from your teaching!

Now that the semester is over, when will you be posting the grades? I did not perform well on my midterm essay “Court Hedgehogs of the Carolingian Renaissance” and so I must admit that I am slightly concerned about the results. Please keep me updated.

Your devoted student,

Arthur Pennington Jr.

To: wweppler@wmu.edu

Subject: Re: End of Semester Grades

Dear Professor Weppler,

Pardon my interruption, as I imagine that you are very busy analyzing Chaucer’s commentary on bunnies or the introduction of ferrets into monastery life. I just wanted to follow up on my previous email. When will you be posting the final grades? In retrospect, in my final research paper, I should have delved into the psyche of medieval parakeet owners to a deeper degree. I hope that I will not be penalized for this oversight.

Your nervous yet devoted student,

Arthur Pennington Jr.

To: wweppler@wmu.edu

Subject: Re: Re: End of Semester Grades

Dear Professor Weppler,

I saw that my final grade was posted this afternoon, and I must admit that I am feeling quite flustered. A B minus?!

This is simply….unacceptable! I understand that my final research paper was not up to par, but frankly, it was very challenging finding sources on parakeet ownership during the Italian Renaissance. This is quite the debacle. I am trying to get into Law School, you see. Yale Law actually, and I just don’t think that I can do that with a B minus in Medieval Pets! You understand my situation of course, ha ha.

Perhaps the B minus was simply a clerical error?? This seems likely, given my academic record. Please keep me updated.

Your flustered yet devoted student,

Arthur Pennington Jr.

UPS Priority Mail

To: Dr. Wallace Weppler

42 Foggy Dog Lane

Middletown, CT 06459

Dear Professor Weppler,

I’ve been reading that book on Equestrian Culture in Medieval England that you recommended during the semester, what a pleasant read!

I have sent this letter to your house in order to expand upon some of the points from my emails. Receiving a B minus is quite a shock for a student such as myself, and it has put a damper on my summer festivities.

To be honest, I’ve never gotten below an A minus before. And the A minus was in a graduate course on Advanced Political Science, so father says that the Law schools will understand…

This B minus does not seem warranted, and it absolutely dashes my plans of graduating Magna Cum Laude. Grandfather will be so disappointed.

Please respond and correct this unfortunate mistake, I am in quite a tizzy.

Your panicked yet devoted student,

Arthur Pennington Jr.

Harold’s Carrier Pigeon Delivery Service

Pigeon #42

To: Dr. Wallace Weppler

Dear Professor Weppler,

I stopped by your office today to follow up on my previous emails and letters about the aforementioned B minus. I knocked on the door, but it was clear that your office was not occupied.

Your colleagues tell me that you have taken a sabbatical in order to study the miniature bulldogs of Medieval Scotland. How fascinating! I’ll be taking a flight to Scotland tomorrow afternoon in order to speak with you in person. I’ll be renting a private helicopter and I’ll try my best to spot you on the moors. See you soon!

Your frustrated but not yet defeated student,

Arthur Pennington Jr.

Pickle Fork

Letting creative juices flow.

Linnea Cooley

Written by

Linnea Cooley is an undergraduate writer at the University of Maryland. Follow her on twitter @linnea_cooley or visit her website linneacooley.weebly.com

Pickle Fork

Letting creative juices flow.

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